Marriage ritual

Hey hey. Long time since i last posted.
Well basically for the past few weeks it can be easily summed up.
Aimless, Unmotivated, Lost.

Anyway, :) staying cheerful is important.
I am suddenly very aware of the worried faces on many adults which i thought was very sad. It makes me ponder what things have made them so worried. Maybe it is me.
When everyone you meet can't seem to smile even if you smile at them... it is very scary.

Ok about my Uni life. Charmaine says i think too much. I thought so too. Basically my uni life revolves more around my CCA, symphonic Band. It is really something uplifting after sitting around lectures and tutorials and studios that has endless thought-hynoptizing talks and then go back to something you love.

But i like one of my lecturer Erwin. Dr Erwin. A architecture critic... there is nothing more rewarding than listening to his thoughts and love for architecture.
There are alot of times when he said... "Love what you do and do what you love."
Immediately i think of... you know what... not architecture. And Mr Fong's talk last year about how he grew to love architecture... how aimless he was after JC and after completing NUS architecture he realised his love grew more and more. He will always question us whether architecture is what you love, does your life revolves around architecture, do you eat, sleep, wake up and travel everywhere thinking of architecture? Immediately i thought of my God. Then i thought of... you know what... not architecture. He questioned us to rethink our path if we are not putting in our best in what we do.
Wait.. this is y i am thinking so much. Am i here just to get my cert?

Is this something like dating? Or is it like a marriage?
Have i been dating architecture or am i married to architecture?
Is it not obvious one love stays undeterred?
Or is it more prominent that i am indecisive of who i really want to marry to?

This is a very interesting analogy that can explain myself to the fullest and i can think through it from the very root of this indecision and weak immatured mind that seems to rule over me. Anyway, in all things, God has a plan and He has prepared the best for me although i may think it is not what i want or what i am good at.

Ok, it all started after JC life. I have basically 2 love of mine, one is art(drawing and painting), the other is music.

Love:
So i went to NS, dreaming and praying for a place in SAF Band.(MUSIC) I went for audition and was highly recommended... i thought i sure get in.. well.. i didn't. I went into Armour. I didn't understand but i didn't hold any negative feelings agiainst God. So in armour camp, during those sleepy afternoons where most people sleep their army lives away, I self studied guitar with the help of many friends.(MUSIC) I made most of my time meaningful with classical pieces and then i went into worshiping God in my room whenever i am free at home. Then i started to pick up music theory from my piano teacher and started to use some of the money from NS for the lessons. Piano helped alot in understand music, as well as my sight reading of treble and bass so i continued to learn.

So now to choosing a Uni. Y do i have to go uni? Because it is basically the path for all JC students. However i know that after my uni i am sure going to pursue my music. Berklee in KL, Laselle and NAFA in Singapore was in my mind. So first i went to check what CCA is there to offer, then jazz band caught my attention(MUSIC). Comparing between NUS and NTU, i chose NUS jazz band cuz of better instructors and more seious interest into what they do. I had 2 places, NTU double degree TCM or NUS bioengineering. I chose NUS. I continued to search for the optimum course that i don't need to study much so i can be more involved in CCA. Well, wads more than FASS, but then i know i can't read fast, so the next best will be archi which is also in line with my passion for DRAWING.

I found a part time job, Jarryl's mom offered to me.. this was a great disaster for me... I was totally stressed out by the sheer repetition of tedious admin work i can't help but get serious headaches and keep getting MCs... but i couldn't quit... so i prayed for God to deliver me! I thought immediately to MUSIC. Using the net, i found an E book on Piano essentials which talked alot about music, but it covers mostly about practicing... and a small section on the tuning of piano with a little of science involved. I savoured every single page of that 259 pages. Rushing to finish my loads of work so i have time to read and also play some facebook. Well, i finally ended my job and went on to uni. I made a statement never to touch admin job again.

Now starting Uni, i didn't go for any orientation they organize just because i am not interested. However for the registration day, i immediately went up the hall to look for CCAs, so there was Jazz band and wind Band and String Band. I just went to question on JAzz band. And about the practice days... And guess wad. Well don't need to guess.. It is Saturday practice... and i have cell group. It was a heart break for me :( Totally. There was a Saturday when i skipped cell group and went for jazz band, i enjoyed alot, but i know this is the only day i am going to be with them. So i didn't go for jazz band even turning down their audition.

So i went in search for more music related CCAs, many bands followed. One by one God didn't allow me, according to various clashes. So i thought i can go back to wind band.. so i did. I understand y now.. i felt so welcomed by the people in there i know i couldn't feel any warmer else where. Even now if i graduate i will wanna come back to NUS band. And i observed the most complex couducting in my life by Professor Ho. Hahaha.. seriously i couldn't follow till now cuz i am conditioned that every stroke of a conductor is a downstroke... but Prof Ho definitely defy rules and go into the complex of 16ths, 8ths and other divisions in his conducting... but his First beat of every bar is still very consistent. Impressed by his musicality in the pieces too.

Ok now back to reality and those questions posted to me. Is architecture your love?
I have been neglecting this elegant Miss architecture whether i am married or attached to her. I just did what is necessary to pass cuz i am totally convinced this is nothing about fine arts or painting... it is about spaces, thinking of buildings.

Uni life is a marriage ritual i have to undergo before i can be married to the one i truly love.

Because it is this certificate of marriage that i can get myself a stable home, an iron ricebowl.

But now in this ritual... Miss architecture keep asking me... do you love me? Or is there someone else? What can i say.

"I must complete this ritual if you don't mind.. because of the money and backing... when i have gotten enough from you, i will go on to loving the one i truly love. With what you have provided me with."

I have considered Miss TCM, Miss Nursing but i thought you resembles most of whom i love. Miss YST? She is beyond my reach, financially.

Hahahaha how drama.

But there are certainly many people who grow more in love with the course that they choose to undergo.

Maybe i am not giving enough chances. But what is wrong with the many professionals with a totally unrelated marriage cert? Maybe this uni life is Simulation marriage to train us for the real marriage to our real destined job.

If marriage is the best analogy for my situation and for my irresponsibility and fickle mindedness, it is also the only way i can be truly understood.

This may seem like a great attempt at covering the weakness of my fickle mind.
But what is more depressing is not having anyone to understand of the real reason and jump into conclusion with the things i do... And Y i do the things i do. I also can't truly explain myself when people say i am indecisive in this area of my life... i have to agree to a certain extent. Saddened.

There is this practical part i can understand totally, a need for a job, a stupid idea to end this rare chance for a good cert. An iron ricebowl after which i can continue to really go pursue the interest of mine and still having a cert. This is a mature thinking process i have thought through.

Then there is this part... well, i won't wanna explain anymore. Doing things the politically correct way is just not my type.