Re-define

Who would want to be a bad person?

Serving is actually an obligation to me now.

If you don't want to serve in this area, just say no.

But if you say no, you have to think again, do you really want to defy the mighty one?

Who is the mighty one who set me free yet now bind you in another tougher chain.

It is considered weakness to give up in times of troubles,

But when troubles comes, it is not hard to figure the root of the problem,

Yet still struggling to keep the dam sturdy when the hole is not in the wall but in my heart.(pointless struggle)

Who wants to be the hero? Come up.

There is no such thing, if i don't go she won't end this service.

Are you giving me a choice or are you delaying just to test who will give in first?

If i am not willing, i am doing a great sin by saying yes physically and not doing it with my heart.

I yet salute the one who sits undaunted by the prompting. (and the common worried look i see)

All these don't have to happen when things can just appear in what they are suppose to be.

Yet, when we are who we are, We will never meet the expectation of the greater one.

Which leads me to an extreme guilt and yes i will do it again just for once, perhaps not the next one. I am not willing but i am just betraying my heart to appear in the perfect form you want to see.

Why then do i worry when it is not about me? This burden i sense is in me yet it is not from me. All because i hold my dignity, i do not want to be the bad person, but at the same time i do not want to betray my heart. I love God but i don't love the control brought about by redefining the meaning of loving God. I love you but your mental game is breaking me down and i can't stand it anymore.

Perhaps the definition is not right, and the drilling of principles have done much harm to my soul. Perhaps you are squeezing a cube through a triangular window. I have held many responsibilities. I have actually silently rejected your empty praises made in purchase of my obedience. I have done enough and all these things i do, I do not have to do if i am not subjected to these chains of deceits.

So it would be a win win situation if i were not to be under your responsibility. I would not be doing the things i am unwilling, and you would not be in agony of my disobedience. Could it happen ? First i would have to take a step to venture into the arena of a mentally created "villian" position. After which i would make a smooth exit.

Operation "silent killer" in progress.