bad Memories, holidays

I think this is going to be a long post.

The writer in me is exploding to manifest but i must control it with my thoughts and feelings.
Basically it has been a long time since i post anything for further reference. And it is always true that when i re-read them they seem a little childish than who i am now. But then again... Feelings sometimes makes me illogical and can't think. These are the times that i need to realise and remedy in case i make the same mistakes.

Past 3 months are a heck of real tough times... and a heck of real emotional times... less of a heck of depressing monents... also less of high moments too.

Tough times struggling through the modules and passing my test.. Thank God i did pass. And will never forget my promise "to God be the glory". But i really do not dare to say it among my friends.. i think i am either shy or i am just not used to it. Just like i don't say Amen in classroom. Anyway tough time produce tough beef. LOL!

Emotional times are things old as well as new. Similar dejavu of what happened 2 years ago is happening.. but then from my experience.. there is only one way out... "move on". Ok.. in case i might forget if i read this as a 80 years old half blind and totally deaf man... i will not encode too much. And for anyone who read i hope it is entertaining :)

If i were a monster. I would be a nice monster. Anyway, i have started drinking ipoh white coffee in the morning.. and i really think i like it. Somedays they run out and there are other coffee available but i only look for Ipoh white coffee. What a coffee monster i am. I thought it was really having some effects in cheering up me up and making me more energetic. Even at night i would dream of drinking coffee. LOL! But then again... i am wrong again.

There are many people who drink the same coffee but got different effects.. some get more energetic, some get tired, some get hooked. I am really curious which category i fall under. I would often react with caution. But then the response i get is most often positive.

Then it comes a raining day and i dropped my cup of coffee. I starts to flow away and some of it stainned my white shirt. I try to clean it off but the smell and the colour is still there. I thought i can wash it off. Anyway, i am really hurt thats the point.

Now in my dream, i only dream of spilling this coffee and seeing it flow off with the rain water. I have tried to wash the stain but the stain inside my head will never fade off completely. I think i need a small impact to knock off that section of briancells. Even then, my heart says something else. I guess i fall under the category of being hooked.

Then come a day we go to a beach. A scene suddenly flashes back 5 years ago. She started telling me of the guy they love. Well it started to hurt then... but how would she know. I think i should not be there... I Should not be there. I have been there 5 years ago with the same thing happening. And i made a wrong decision. Yes i did. Anyway whatever i do.. the ending will never be as beautiful as what you want it to be. It is like the final conclusion of the film "butterfly effect". I chose to kept quiet then.

Anyway the hardest thing in this life is to cause things to happen. It is very very obvious even to a self pronounced Asperger's like me that she actually don't need me around. Well things get better at first when i decide to write my experience down as a form of outlet to a non emotional body. Then i realised that the poison has gone too deep and this often happens to me by God's grace that i do not get involved in physical dangers like playing with knives which i think i might kill myself. Anyway... the poison is now affecting me.

Well... as that other girl once said... bla bla bla bla and bla bla bla.. and things does get better. We do not have to worry to cause things to change.. but.. perhaps someone care more very high upstairs and wants something more beautiful to happen :) Well... Allswell