Settle down on one.

It is rather quite scary how different i have become.

One moment, i felt like going onto the street and stare at any stray kids to pick up a fight. Kick off any stones in my way. Well i was on my bicycle though, and i tried everything i could, fly down the slopes, raced with cars, jay-ride all the traffics.. And you did guessed it, i was all alone... i think God would have turned away at this... so i thought i was alone.

Another moment, i walked the shops, not interested at the clothes at all.. well, it was all ladies wear what, why care a 2nd look? Boring.. Yet, i still walked, 1st storey, 2nd storey, 3rd, 4th,Arcade? Boring.. Cinema? Boring. Nothing seems to appeal to me. So i sit by the fountain. Hey Jiaxing! You don't shop! Let alone shopping with yourself.

How nice now if someone even care to just throw a stone at me.. Well, Do IT! I will not hesitate to exchange it for a punch! Well i might pay you to do it. Forget it... Jiaxing You are a jerk!

Ok, the next moment, i stepped into church.. If this were the old testament times, i might just slaughter anything that falls into my hand place it on the altar. And wait for the lightning to strike me down. Can't imagine what i said.. " God, you know what i am thinking, you know what i am going to say, so why should i even talk to you? ".. " Hello there..." ... " Answer me!"... well forget it.. and so i left and locked this place up. Thinking.. " How nice if God even care to strike me!"

The next day, i was totally different. I woke up with a whisper, " Thank you Lord i am still alive." Found myself so guity and repented.. Worshipped and prayed.

But it will not be long until i "start to think" i am alone again!

There are 2 dreams i can't forget.. In one, Pastor talked to me.. I was so Sian! I gave a "Stop it" look. She droned on and on...

In the next dream, She was talking to me again, a sentence in her droning caught me. Translated.. Jiaxing, you have a unique character. (I think to myself, " But i am so bad inside.") She continued.. you can choose to have a lousy attitude or a right attitude. Don't forget you can be pure and simple, but if you choose to turn bad...
(i can't remember i think i woke up)..

And so it was Saturday after my maths tuition. I am in church again. Pastor lau called me on phone.. I smacked my forehead and shook my head in disbelief... And guess what.. i hid my phone in my pocket and go to the drum to drown off the vibration. Terrible!! What the hell are you doing Jiaxing!!! Following that Reuben and Crystal continued tuition while i grabbed my bicycle and started to run away.

I cycled real fast.. well.. I think i have no idea whatever gotten me to compass point and i decided to buy bubble tea for Elim and Crystal and i went back to church. All was normal again as people see it.

Pastor did talked to me this sunday afternoon. I mean.. It is no more dream.. real talking. Well i understand whatever love relationship or bgr thing. Whats wrong.. it is not about this. I am just changing.. for the worsT. Well.. maybe it is just.. How being "alone" drives me nuts! I hate Nuts btw!

Well.. 2 different characters i have now fighting inside.. I just need to choose one. The more dominant one will be advantageous and domineering .. the meek and gentle one will be sweet.. well.. Mm. Haha! Try first. Settle on one and so be it.

There is a tendency for the viciously atheist one to exhibit on solitary situations. Hey jerk, lets go for some fun. Haha!

The week to come is going to be exciting!