Social Isolation

Hey Jude(pastor would not want to hear that),
I am afraid i am turning eccentric from these memories i am accumulating.
Scary memories of social isolation.

I had 2 gatherings this week.
2 scary ones which i wished i wasn't present.
I have come to realise of my diminished ability to socialise in any group get-togethers.
Ever diminishing. And eventually disappearing like a jelly fish.

This is a sign of poor critical thinking skills.
But i can't help it, i just can't seem to bother much about ppl.
Perhaps there is a relationship between memory and critical thinking.
Perhaps when i spend more time with myself, my mind shuts off from the presence of others.
Now even close friends seems like strangers.

How linking colours to months, a janurary red and Purple June. And dirty green april with a dark green belt. I certainly would not comment it that way to accentuate my (indeed messed up) queer brain. And spanish alphabets filling my head with sounds, terrible rotting fish that got on to 54.

Strange 12 ways of prayer in a Religious like circle on a piece of chinese filled paper.
260 + 15.
Rubbish cluttered brain that does no help at all in understanding humans.Yet indeed virtually created another sad case of Asperger's Syndrome "symptomed" guy on planet Earth! If there was a choice, i would rather recreate another Down's syndrome with extra 23. LOL. And i know i will be gladly laughing at my own joke, which is a random guess with probability as high as 0.99.

(scary scary... i often walk away thinking, i am coming back. My memories are coming back. Those scary ones that i thought i could throw behind my life. It is like those times in secondary schools and primary schools. Simple jokes that does no appeal. Concerns that does not really matter. And indeed those are the people i did avoid in the first place. And they did joyfully avoid me. But not now, it can't happen now! These ppl share a part of my life.)

Improved memories of scenes without words, emotions without speech. Names are leaving my head, emotions are flooding, self confidence totally wrecked with each recollection of childhood scenes.

No! If it happens for Jude. "Build yourself up in the most holy faith."
If i can remember a list of 100 elements off my head, if i can forget the name "Edmund", if i can remember the rubbish information that i want to remember. I certainly would not want to remember any minute of my life in this ackward moment of extreme painful recollections.

Feeling totally defeated, i thought i could throw all these memories away by watching a movie - Robin Hood.

(But i really hoped they had a great birthday lunch. I was really afraid i might be spoiling it with my presence. Feeling so sorry that i was around.)

So i bought a ticket at 6pm, still shaking from the side effects of repression.
Repression of those memories is a good thing since it tells me that, "Hey you had a life around cool ppl."
Strangely enough, i saw Jun Jian.
I admire his ability to recall bus guides. With all the bus no. and routes at his fingertips.
I was even more surprised to know that we were actually watching the same movie at the same time.

Well then i had a few arcade coins, 7 to be specific. And me kun jian and Jing Chong went to shoot some balls. It wasn't that fun, but strangely playing with them just brings back another set of memories where my queerness found a place.
They are indeed a fun loving lot who accepted me for who i am, a strange young boy at 14 who read physics text book while shopping with them. Cycle in the rain, broke into sunset rise? Things that would bring strange stares just don't seem that strange to them, although some things still does.
Those are the memories i would use to pile on the bad memories.

Can i be more self reliant and emotionally stable?
It all depends on my ability to kill those neurones that causes emotional discomfort(morael killers). And it will be accomplished only if i stop firing signals to these bad memories, and of course the source of such bad memories is obviously the giant "social isolation!".