Depression cycles

Maybe it is due to low self esteem. Maybe it is due to recurring negative thoughts. But whatever it may be, the feeling is an exponential dive to the deepest pit.

Perhaps to reflect in prevention of depression cycles.
The conditions if i never reproduce them then i can avoid them.

Very often it will happen:
1) AFTER a spur of confidence in my ability. A confidence that can bring me running across desert marathons right NOW!

2) AFTER a social gathering.

3) AFTER a short period of isolation.

I have yet to find any solution to prevent it.
And in such situation it is not a time to do it. It is not a time for anything at all.
It is not even a time to sleep. It is a time for restlessness.

I am actually a useless bump no matter how much i tell myself NOT to say that.
Actually if i were introduced to a beggar right now, i would see more meaning why he or she should Carry on living and not me.
And the ability to bring yourself right now to reflect, given this smashed self confidence is a miracle!

Give me 10 quality reasons you are a useless.
OK, i am sad and i am sad and i am so sad that i think i will make "you" so sad if a happier me is reading this again.
Where have the JOY of simply existing vanished to?
My existence really does not bring joy. Not to me or to anyone that wants to be around me if there is any.
Ok, now i see a simple thing. Social life. Lack of confidence when among people. Not matter young or old many or few.

What cause this? I am just unable to bring myself to not feel uneasy when people are around me. Y?

Please stop this. Think of the deepest reason that runs in your mind. I am not letting you go today unless you answer the last WHY that is the root of this problem.

Why don't you like yourself?
Because i don't have anything to give anyone that i meet. I cannot be of any help or even of any joy to be around.

mm.. Why do you want to give?
Because i want to see everyone happy. I do not want anyone to feel left out or anything. But then i also do not want to be a burden when my presence is not necessary.

Is there a time when you felt you have to be there?
I have to teach drums.. and i am an educator, i have to be there to filfill this responsibility.
I will even take a taxi down in order not to be late for a second.

Is there a moment when you think you think too much?
NOW!

When is your happiest moment?
YES! This is the moment when you take over me. And i disappear altogether.

I am here right now. When i see you so sad i know i am just resting to be unleashed.

But Why can't you just look inside yourself and recall all those memories when your neurones were less complicated and those nerves that fire are the happy ones? What have evolved in you this cycle to repeatedly fire depressing thoughts about you?

So what can i do? I can't make myself stop thinking. It is a conscious natural process. More natural than breathing.

Draw yourself to think good thoughts. Occupy yourself with good thought that either improves efficiency of thought or rewiring of network.

Whoever ask you to think so much?
You are distracting me and asking me so many questions that i can't stop a single second not to answer you. My biggest problem is the realisation of your existence, so real that it is not just a mirror reflection. You are always so strangely related to me more than an image of myself but a silhouette with the ability to communicate another string of thoughts.

The final question is my existence. Do you really think these thoughts clearly define me, or is it you?
You. Certainly it is you who have been so silent around me that i can't stay away from you.
Stay away!