Random things

Ever since i got so lost. I think i have really lost my interest in architecture.

Thank God that i got a place in NAFA, but i won't be going there.
I have decided again, to first get my degree.
Then pursue my music.
Anyway, by then i will be on my next train to Berklee instead of NAFA.
$$$ is the problem.

I finally got the book i have always wanted to see.
"Unreel Drum book" by Marc Atkinson
As i rush to flip open to see.. i see the scroll!
The secret to split your brains. If you happen to have any. Hahaha!

First splitting it to control each limb.
Then split again to interprete 2 rhythms simultaneously - polyrhythms
Then split again to interprete polyrhythms in 2 separate time signature simultaneously.

This has been the kind of vocab i long to understand and be able to understand when i hear them! There they are! Right b4 my eyes!!!! Behold! My eyes are rolling. And i am seeing stars!

HAHAHA! I really wanna sit down nice nice... then start to practice these things.
Not that i can apply them in church situations. But just for the love of it. But then again actually i can! Provided i am creative enough to do it without Elim realising something strange is poping out of nowhere.. tat will be my failure in applying if she realise. But then again.. not over playing for church songs too, which i must admit i always do.

I play too much when unnecessary and don't play at all when it is absolutly necessary. Y!

Then again.. Thank God for what he has provided me with. I must not fail to mention this before i die. God gave me nice hands that are really skillful in craft work, or even carpenter work. I was like drilling and sawing and sanding away so happily and... Be hold! God is there to protect my fingers!

There is once when i was changing blade for the saw... I reached for the blade! ANd then! The other hand.. instead of reaching for the Un screw lock... i reached for the Power ON switch! And "ON"!

*RATTLES VIOLENTLY*

I got stuned! But my hands still ok. I know is God's protection. Cuz by the time i know what is happening, i realise my hands are still on the blade! ?!?!??

Thank God for protecting me always.
And also! I am a drum educator in a registered drum school!
With.. around 12 students for me!
No sweat!
Ever since i wrote down this dream in 2007 countdown service.. it has been evolving.. and progressing stately.

I am so happy you can see. God knows. And i always tell ppl this.. i will be a happy man if this is my area of service till i die. drummin profession.

And also the next dream.. of being a Studio drummer. It did happened in a small scale. But i am working really hard to make it to the real profession.


I am so waiting for this Sem to end!!! I want to start my special sem of drum studies under Vinnie and Marc ATkinson and Thomas Lang.. Then of course my physically existing drum instructor, James.

Modules DR1211 - Rhythm scales
DP2111 - Creative control
JA1111 - Jazz techniques by Jim Chapin
JS1541 - Jazz application in chamber situation
DS3121 - Church application

DR1211 - Rhythm scales.
2 hours of studio. Preclusion: If you happen to be a walking Octopus
Students are trained to be an octopus.
recommemded reading: Unreel drumbook - Marc Atkinson

DP2111 - Creative control
1 hour of studio. Preclusion: If you still happen to be a walking Octopus
Students are trained to be an octopus.
Compulsory reading: Creative control - Thomas Lang

JA1111 - Jazz techniques by Jim Chapin
1 hour studio. Preclusion: Needless to say.. walking Octopus
Students are trained to be an octopus tat plays drums.
(If you happen to watch little mermaid - such things exist)
This explains my concern for undesirable candidates.
Compulsory reading: Advance techniques for modern drummers - Jim chapin

JS1541 - Jazz application in chamber situation
5 hours of chamber band situation.
Given 4 people, play jazz atandards. And must show tinsy winsy bit or more of understanding of jazz structure + creative ideas carried forward from JA1111.

DS3121 - Church application
1 hour of coaching from James. Level 3.
Creative application of drumming for church drummers.
This is added on by 9 hours of teaching with due income.
Exam date : Soon

When will this happen?
In a few weeks time!
YEAH!

LONG long.. how i long for this.


In this material world.. i can't help it.

I want.. a DW double bass drum pedal
and a set of Zildjian cymbals - 2 crashes, 1 splash, 1 ride and 1 hi hat.

Thats all.

And maybe a room to practice at 10pm in the night.

I must read my bible.. or else i am going to get fined...
50 dollars!!!
AH!!!!
Anyway! Finally i am going to Tithe with hard earn money... ...

Seriously, i have been pondering the question of tithing when you don't earn and don't receive allowances. With school fees on loan. And money in bank depleting. And if it is not the money that is necessary, well.. i am tithing my time.

Time is more precious to me than money.

Just pray hard i wont hear the question again..
Y are people not tithing?
How much does it speak of you if you don't even care to tithe.
Even Decons are not tithing.
How much does it speak of you.
Are you praying for your church everyday?
Are you capable of this.. that... this ... that...
*Echoes* *drones on*

I CAN'T. Can't live up to expectation. Does that mean i must keep struggling to be what i am not made to be? Of course i do not know what i am made to be.

a hamster?
a rabbit?
a human?

Such questions never struck me unless i am awake.

Dreams are more tolerable then the cruel reality tat torments me the moment i open my eyes.

How often can i talk of my dreams than to worry what's there, and what's not there?

Are worries faces not obvious or pissed off faces not obvious enough to realise the reality is so cruel that i will rather be me than be the ideal me that exist to please not God but the creation of religious rules that defines what God means to us.

Think.

Marriage ritual

Hey hey. Long time since i last posted.
Well basically for the past few weeks it can be easily summed up.
Aimless, Unmotivated, Lost.

Anyway, :) staying cheerful is important.
I am suddenly very aware of the worried faces on many adults which i thought was very sad. It makes me ponder what things have made them so worried. Maybe it is me.
When everyone you meet can't seem to smile even if you smile at them... it is very scary.

Ok about my Uni life. Charmaine says i think too much. I thought so too. Basically my uni life revolves more around my CCA, symphonic Band. It is really something uplifting after sitting around lectures and tutorials and studios that has endless thought-hynoptizing talks and then go back to something you love.

But i like one of my lecturer Erwin. Dr Erwin. A architecture critic... there is nothing more rewarding than listening to his thoughts and love for architecture.
There are alot of times when he said... "Love what you do and do what you love."
Immediately i think of... you know what... not architecture. And Mr Fong's talk last year about how he grew to love architecture... how aimless he was after JC and after completing NUS architecture he realised his love grew more and more. He will always question us whether architecture is what you love, does your life revolves around architecture, do you eat, sleep, wake up and travel everywhere thinking of architecture? Immediately i thought of my God. Then i thought of... you know what... not architecture. He questioned us to rethink our path if we are not putting in our best in what we do.
Wait.. this is y i am thinking so much. Am i here just to get my cert?

Is this something like dating? Or is it like a marriage?
Have i been dating architecture or am i married to architecture?
Is it not obvious one love stays undeterred?
Or is it more prominent that i am indecisive of who i really want to marry to?

This is a very interesting analogy that can explain myself to the fullest and i can think through it from the very root of this indecision and weak immatured mind that seems to rule over me. Anyway, in all things, God has a plan and He has prepared the best for me although i may think it is not what i want or what i am good at.

Ok, it all started after JC life. I have basically 2 love of mine, one is art(drawing and painting), the other is music.

Love:
So i went to NS, dreaming and praying for a place in SAF Band.(MUSIC) I went for audition and was highly recommended... i thought i sure get in.. well.. i didn't. I went into Armour. I didn't understand but i didn't hold any negative feelings agiainst God. So in armour camp, during those sleepy afternoons where most people sleep their army lives away, I self studied guitar with the help of many friends.(MUSIC) I made most of my time meaningful with classical pieces and then i went into worshiping God in my room whenever i am free at home. Then i started to pick up music theory from my piano teacher and started to use some of the money from NS for the lessons. Piano helped alot in understand music, as well as my sight reading of treble and bass so i continued to learn.

So now to choosing a Uni. Y do i have to go uni? Because it is basically the path for all JC students. However i know that after my uni i am sure going to pursue my music. Berklee in KL, Laselle and NAFA in Singapore was in my mind. So first i went to check what CCA is there to offer, then jazz band caught my attention(MUSIC). Comparing between NUS and NTU, i chose NUS jazz band cuz of better instructors and more seious interest into what they do. I had 2 places, NTU double degree TCM or NUS bioengineering. I chose NUS. I continued to search for the optimum course that i don't need to study much so i can be more involved in CCA. Well, wads more than FASS, but then i know i can't read fast, so the next best will be archi which is also in line with my passion for DRAWING.

I found a part time job, Jarryl's mom offered to me.. this was a great disaster for me... I was totally stressed out by the sheer repetition of tedious admin work i can't help but get serious headaches and keep getting MCs... but i couldn't quit... so i prayed for God to deliver me! I thought immediately to MUSIC. Using the net, i found an E book on Piano essentials which talked alot about music, but it covers mostly about practicing... and a small section on the tuning of piano with a little of science involved. I savoured every single page of that 259 pages. Rushing to finish my loads of work so i have time to read and also play some facebook. Well, i finally ended my job and went on to uni. I made a statement never to touch admin job again.

Now starting Uni, i didn't go for any orientation they organize just because i am not interested. However for the registration day, i immediately went up the hall to look for CCAs, so there was Jazz band and wind Band and String Band. I just went to question on JAzz band. And about the practice days... And guess wad. Well don't need to guess.. It is Saturday practice... and i have cell group. It was a heart break for me :( Totally. There was a Saturday when i skipped cell group and went for jazz band, i enjoyed alot, but i know this is the only day i am going to be with them. So i didn't go for jazz band even turning down their audition.

So i went in search for more music related CCAs, many bands followed. One by one God didn't allow me, according to various clashes. So i thought i can go back to wind band.. so i did. I understand y now.. i felt so welcomed by the people in there i know i couldn't feel any warmer else where. Even now if i graduate i will wanna come back to NUS band. And i observed the most complex couducting in my life by Professor Ho. Hahaha.. seriously i couldn't follow till now cuz i am conditioned that every stroke of a conductor is a downstroke... but Prof Ho definitely defy rules and go into the complex of 16ths, 8ths and other divisions in his conducting... but his First beat of every bar is still very consistent. Impressed by his musicality in the pieces too.

Ok now back to reality and those questions posted to me. Is architecture your love?
I have been neglecting this elegant Miss architecture whether i am married or attached to her. I just did what is necessary to pass cuz i am totally convinced this is nothing about fine arts or painting... it is about spaces, thinking of buildings.

Uni life is a marriage ritual i have to undergo before i can be married to the one i truly love.

Because it is this certificate of marriage that i can get myself a stable home, an iron ricebowl.

But now in this ritual... Miss architecture keep asking me... do you love me? Or is there someone else? What can i say.

"I must complete this ritual if you don't mind.. because of the money and backing... when i have gotten enough from you, i will go on to loving the one i truly love. With what you have provided me with."

I have considered Miss TCM, Miss Nursing but i thought you resembles most of whom i love. Miss YST? She is beyond my reach, financially.

Hahahaha how drama.

But there are certainly many people who grow more in love with the course that they choose to undergo.

Maybe i am not giving enough chances. But what is wrong with the many professionals with a totally unrelated marriage cert? Maybe this uni life is Simulation marriage to train us for the real marriage to our real destined job.

If marriage is the best analogy for my situation and for my irresponsibility and fickle mindedness, it is also the only way i can be truly understood.

This may seem like a great attempt at covering the weakness of my fickle mind.
But what is more depressing is not having anyone to understand of the real reason and jump into conclusion with the things i do... And Y i do the things i do. I also can't truly explain myself when people say i am indecisive in this area of my life... i have to agree to a certain extent. Saddened.

There is this practical part i can understand totally, a need for a job, a stupid idea to end this rare chance for a good cert. An iron ricebowl after which i can continue to really go pursue the interest of mine and still having a cert. This is a mature thinking process i have thought through.

Then there is this part... well, i won't wanna explain anymore. Doing things the politically correct way is just not my type.

Counting sheep

Every since friday i have been trying to count 1 & 2 & 3 & 4 &.

I was decided to start because of a question asked by Dean my drum student.

How to count demisemi quaver?

It struck me cuz i never tried counting demisemiquaver and in order not to sound sloppy and go out of beat all drummers need to count.

My answer was to count 1 & 2 & 3 & 4 &... then treating each count as the first beat of your 4 demisemiquaver.



It works and he understood perfectly. I still looking out for better solutions if any...

And it works well too when i change from 4 to 3.
Then it becomes sextruplet... i think it is called this way..



Maybe it is true that drummers don't need too much theory, but it is also twice as true that drummers need to count and subdivide/ feel their beats in the countings.

So the next part instead of increasing beats in the 1 & 2 & 3 & 4 &
I have an urge NOT to say it lest it becomes too technical.. but it is an idea that i thought could not be missed.
I say for myself to understand, so next time i lose my mind to any fever or brain damage i can recall my ideas
Well it is just to keep counting and play your

TRIPLETS -- here you will have a polyrhythm of triplet over quaver
Crochet 3rds --- here a polyrhythm of semiquaver over triplets

Then something i realised while listening to Michael buble's Jazz.
We must change counting to 1&a 2&a 3&a 4&a Count in triplets. So if you wanna play quaver, the polyrhythm comes into play again.

So today in church i was late... i felt bad cuz i missed cell group and all the fun. :( Didn't wanna tok much too. Thank God no one tok much too :)
Had vocal training by Crystal.. Tats the second time in my life doing any vocal training hahaha i thought it was weird.. i am a drummer.. When would i sing aloud.. at most I will sing in my room for God. !?! Well hope i will sing better and better for God. But i think i can catch the notes better than when i first sang for joy.

The next thing that came with counting my 1 2 3 4 was all the notes come like ghost and sneak into the front of my head. That i can't really see but i know how it looks like when i want to see it.
So there was this part in God will make a way.. after the bridge.. when reuben wanted a slow down. But actually they found out he wanted a pause.

First i played my sextruplet, then a crochet at the 2.. then sextruplet all the way... wait.. i must write down what i see... lest i forget.



Then it seems to abrupt..
So ideas flooded in.. Van played triplets with a powerful feel. Hahaha! Tats is even more sudden to end hahahaha! See we have a common idea to build up after bridge. Hahaha! Cool van. We got Muo qi.

Anyway, reuben suggested to slow down... then come in with Ding ding ding ding.
I got what he means.. Actually right... Haiz... i say later...

Then bernard got the next idea that i use less intense fill in after the crash at "Today" And he said something in triplets on the 3 and 4 and i caught it... And so i played it on my snare only althugh his idea was for toms...

Well after that van suggested a cymbal crescendo on the 4. Since i only got 2 hands.. i can't play my triplets on 4 any more. So we decided on this... Although it still come out bad.. cuz i know y.. i am so technically involved in my head i got no more RAM to feel.

Anyway, though it is some amount of time spent, i thought such sharing was good. I mean, it is good when there is a problem and we work over it together.. Not necessary have to be drums.. maybe b'w guitar and keyboards or drums and keyboard or anything, singers.

I can recall the times when Elim will say she will follow the drums.. but seriously i am as lost as everyone where reuben wants to go. So if i am left to resolve the thing by myself, sometimes i will have a mental break down being pulled apart in 2 sides.

And This happened 2 times today, when i thought God will make a way was a verse.. but it seems to be able to do better as a chorus after the bridge... well... i was torn apart and we worked it out. And then crystal was saying.. "less intense" while i was in the second verse.. then i interprete it as... "go less intense later when in bridge".. so i did.. and Van and Crystal Build up and played more intense in bridge! Hahaha! I felt cheated at first. So i asked crystal again... to confirm she won't cheat me again.. Hahaha it was a total misunderstanding.. Haha. I thought it was funny. Anyway Crystal was having headache. So her intense was probably in the head... cuz i was really not intense when she felt i was... so if i went more intense in my standard of intense Crystal might collapse on the spot... Hahaha Joking.

And on Sunday, it will be totally for God. Tats tomorrow. I want to be there for prayer. No more music talk in my head *dump*. Jesus is the reason for all my hope and dreams.

Sound recording

I was trying my best to know as much as i can about home studio recording.
So i got hold of this guy before he graduate, to learn more.
I first learnt about the hardwares needed and their uses.
1) Laptop with the necessary software.. (adobe audition) downloadable free trial.
2) Interface - to line in the instrument. Instrument -> interface -> laptop mic hole.
- also to be able to hear the playback while recording simultaneously

Additional items
3) DI box - to reduce noise due to the magnetic field affecting long wires.
4) Mixer - To plug in the instrument or the mics then adjust the balance and gain
5) Mics.. this is simple enough to know y we need mics. Usually for vocals. Or drums.

Yawn... my brain is tired... Maths lecture was tough.

Anyway, i still need to learn how to operate the software. I must play around with it.

And i learnt some new chords for keyboard from the keyboardists.. sus chords using 2nds and 4ths. But i still donno when to invert the bass. Need to try out and clear some doubt. then how to apply a weird bass note to make playing interesting.

Then.. tats all lor.
I am tired, must not forget these important things... it is sure useful in my lifetime.

Thank God for this few days of lessons! I have been awake, if not subconsciously listening. Thank God!

The reason behind every dream...

"The pursuit of the change you want to see
and growing to become this special person God made you to be."

To glorify God, i see nothing more important than being the best vessel to be used by Him and to love Him back in return.

Soon i will be back to school.
Holidays has been a great period of change for me, emotionally. I turned stable.
Physically i am fitter, but still skinny.

Thank God i passed my IPPT! Got a silver! Though there is a comment that, "it is your own effort" however, i know this is a gift from God that is easily taken for granted. Thank you my God.

There is this chinese band in NUS called "GE YAO". I joined and then after 1 practice, i disappeared from their sight. Haha. Cuz i was busy with my archi works.. then there wasn't any aircon in the practice room also.
Anyway, i was called back to play a piece composed by one of them, called "wu hou".
It is a smooth Bossa nova piece. So i tried and they agreed with my playing and started to record. The recording process is fun. But i only recorded once.
Firstly, they give me a earphone with the pre recorded guitarist playing. She had played to the metronome.. so i won't need to play to the metronome. Yeah.
Secondly, they say they are going to record this time.
Lastly, i played through it.. not bad.. no major mistakes. I was feeling very excited though. However, i left for my ippt. I had a dream when i was in sec 4, i wanted to be a studio drummer. Well, here is a great experience for me.

Then for church band, i have to confess like that 2nd keyboard player did.. i didn't like to play drums in church. Sorry God, though i have said it so many times but i will confess again. Forgive me for my rebellion and pride, and being so bored at this. I keep forgetting it is you i am playing for.
But, i will change and learn how to make it better instead of complaining how much worse it can get. I will be obedient to your call for now and play to the best to help everyone worship you. The keyboardist has been a great one, the guitarist has been very very nice, the worsipleader has been so powerful, only this drummer hiding behind his drums has been intolerably awful.

I have a band with my friend wee siang(drummer) though. I think it will be up in 3 years time. At least now i have a retreat to the genre i thought is what i have been dreaming of. I have no idea of whether if it is going to work out, only God knows. And the band in Ge yao, which i can go back to my drums in the genre i thought was what i am dreaming of. These 2 non christian bands.
Church band, maybe not as close to me.. But surely we are close to God.

This band. With the purpose: to reach out to young people through the music. Attract them with the music, then the lyrics, then let God do the work in their hearts.
No easy task, no amount of dreaming can make this happen unless action is taken. i am sure no amount of action can make it happen too unless there is prayer.
And i am so so so sure it won't happen if i am alone.

Well anyhow, i have been declaring this very often because i need to get off from the deception of reality that our church music is bad. That means it is really bad.
I declare that our church music is going to sound so great everytime!
Why?
Because nothing on Earth sounds better than Praises for God!
So!!! We actually sound really really beautiful to God whenever we play and worship. This includes everyone in church who sings. Or even humms.

No gift meant for a love one
can be better than the gift true from your heart.
No sound made for You
can be more beautiful than the heartbeat of Your own creation.
No matter how far I drift apart,
as long as my heart is still beating,
I will come back to you.

Testimony for 2008

Tml is new year eve.
I am 21 years old now.
Church is holding a watch night service where i need to give a testimony.

Testimony is nothing like friendster testimony.
It is a testimony which tells people how much my God has done in this little life of mine. Great God working in a little man.

A brief walk-through of my 2008 timeline..

I ORD from NS, I found a job in ST electronics, then i quit, then i got into NUS architecture and holidays came.

How how... Oh no... ...
I know i got really rebellious, i got really hurt and rejected, i got so lonely in school, i can't tell people God is there in my life.

Depression sinks in... Ahhh!
Siao liao...

Well, maybe the miracle is that i stood up again to serve.
Ok... when i ORD.. I got more and more agitated as i play my drums, cuz i sounds sucky. And then i stop playing cuz i sucks. God allowed me to stop as I was asked by Elim not to play for a few weeks.. i know it is God's plan. So i stopped.. and i got really hard hearted and i don't want to go back to play anymore cuz i keep thinking i suck... in God's band. I just wanna enjoy my pride in the worldly Band music.

Pride took me over and i didn't realise. I knew something was wrong when.. my heart wants to play for God, but i am afraid of sounding sucky. So there.. i was praying and God told me me this.. Pride will make me fall.

So i realised my pride and i asked Elim if i could play again. So i am playing again. Thank God for bringing me back. Although i still sound so sucky, i can't bother much about the music when nothing i can do will make it better, yet i know i have to be bothered whether God is there in the worship. If God is there, i would be content even with pots and pans.

Maybe in my life, God's grace is really evident. No glorious victories, no big achievements, nothing in me is worth human praise. But, a brokened life brought back to God, it is the greatest gift of all. And it is the most direct way to show, God is to be praised. I did nothing this year, But God has done alot in moulding me.

I hope for 2009. With this new God moulded(still moulding) attitude, i can achieve some goals set for Showing people how great is my God!

Apology

Ok. I have to be careful whatever i post here.
Must not affect anyone cuz i thought this is a desert for me.
A desolate blog which no one reads... Well, anyway ghost readers do appear! Whoo...
Welcome. *echo... welcome Welc.. oo...m...e..

*shivers

Anyway, i will not post how down i was.

For anyone who cares to know... i am fine. I was just lonely thats all. A word i can't find. Now i am not. I have friends everywhere, my drumsitck, drums whatever. Haha! I found a brown friend under my bed. He is my brown Vic Firth Drumstick.

Moreover I got Jesus!

Jesus is my best friend and his birthday is coming soon.

There is going to be a party globally but sadly people often neglect Him when this celebration rolls on.

People throw a party called Christmas for Jesus! I do hope Jesus gets more of our attention this year. I selfish PIG. Always think of me me me, forgot of my best friend. He is a King somemore! I am totally convicted. Sorry sorry Jesus. The best gift to get for Christmas is Jesus. The best gift to give is Jesus! The best gift to give Jesus is our heart.

Hey i got a little story in my heart.
(Since it is a story, it don't need to be true)

It is his birthday. 21st birthday. To think of it. I had been rebellious. I spent my birthday.. in ps. I thought i was happy alone. Well i wasn't actually. I thought i needed no one. Anyway, its over. I had a great chocolate cake from my little brother, and it is his first time buying a cake by himself! For ME! Touching lei... *sob sob. Money provided by my eldest brother! A sweet birthday song from my mother. I am happy i am so blessed. I am so happy! Haha! When you feel like you have no friends... try going back home.. if you are homeless, try ringing me... i might be as lonely. When 2 loners meet, they talk.

As i wear my earphones... the song plays... and i purposely didn't on my mp3.. cuz i just want silence... well the songs in my memory still play in random shuffles.

> Are you lonesome tonight? Do you miss me tonight?(... Eeeks...)

Do you stare at your bald head and wish you had hair?..(-_-lll HAhaha!!!!)

> Standing at the crowded street, Listening to my own heartbeat..

> I can't forget.. the way.. your cakes's.. the filling so strong while lasting for so long... (??? -_-lll only if i had a cake.. then again i got a cake)

> Never knew... i could feel like this... Like i never seen the sky before.

I want to vanish inside your... cakes. Everyday i miss you more and more.

> A dream is a wish your heart makes.. you'r fast a sleep.

> And now... the end is near... and so i face... the final curtain...???

> Thats why you go...

> Everyday! Its you i wish for!

> My life! Is in you Lord my Strength!

> YOoou! Do That thing you DOoo...

> Talk to me tell me your name...

>... ...

> She Bangs! She Bangs! Oh babe, She Moves she moves.

> Yesterday... all my troubles seems so far away.

> ... Dang .. Dang dang.. dang dang.. Daaang... Chopin's Nocturne 21 plays.. shivering sadness and love in tat tremolo... Hahaha!!1 Hahaha!

> She BANGS! SHE BANGS! I wasted by the way she moved she moves..

> Well... maybe he's right. but, I just can't see how a world so beautiful could be... bla bla bla... silence...

> Look at these stuff. Isn't it neat, wouldn't you think my collections complete? Wouldn't you think i'm the giRl... the giRl who has... everything.

> COMEEEE WHAAT MAY....

> His hands upon your hands.. his hand upon your skin.. his lips upon your lips...
It's MORE THAN I ... CAN... STAND!!!!!! Boom!... violin solo plays in my head...
Raaaak... scent!??? (I guess it is the name of the prostitute)

> This song.. i know you know.. let's lift his name on high!

> i am half the man i used to be.. there's a shadow hanging over me.. and i believe in...

> YouUuu...

Do that thing you do!

Breaking my heart in... two a million pieces..

> Thats why i go. Away i.. know.

I am spartacle! I am spectacle! I am Tenticles! I am articles! I am uncle!

Hahaha! HAHAHAHAHAHA! I am crazy here.

Hey hey, do try to make no sense of what you read. I never even understand what i am intending to mean because i like it the way it flows in my head.. just like it always happens before i sleep. If no one know yet. Crazy ideas run in my head always before i sleep.. and my dreams carries on till the day and last till night. Some are errrily accurate. But it is seldom.

Old man see visions and young man dream dreams.

For me, i imagine stories. Where housefly eat apples. And I eat a pear lying on the edge of my piano C# key. Escalators fly up and down like a rattling snakes... And i fly down stairs like spiderman! I do try before... and i tot i was cool. I was well and unhurt. I can't remember how i did the stuff i did last time.. cycling with one leg and no hands in a circle in my living room. On a 2 wheeled bicycle! Tats amazing! ply open cassette players when all i need is a button. And play with barbie dolls amputating their hands and feet. And adding magic colour pens at my white bread.. thinking it is pizza.. and i actually ate 5 of them under the kitchen table... some how i knew it was wrong. Waking up on sunday feeling nostalgic about saturday. Swinging my self on the cradle? till i fall on my back. Collect red ants at the back yard of ximin primary school! They never stop coming out! I was often alone and i didn't know it is sad to be alone till someone told me it was till then did i feel lonely. Eating my favourite Longyan toufu at 50cents. Reaching home to play lego. Keeping fish in the tanks... keeping 2 small terrapins.. and i secretly fished out guppies from my brother's fish tank to feed my terrapins! Hahaha! Small frogs too! They grew big and was sent off. I drew a self portrait in front of my mom's bedroom mirror... my brother didn't say a thing.. no one said it was nice or was it ugly... maybe they didn't think it was at all important.. but nevermind.. i threw it away. I drew fishes. An incomplete Dragon fish head in colour pencil.. a realistic one! Well daddy did say something like... stop wasting time on these. I started drawing manga. STarting with 金田一, a Japanese comic. I love the way the eyes seem to sparkle with lots of crazy details. Then i ended with a Taiwan comic of i donno what... where the colours and faces looks so realistic yet fantasy. So i met a girl whom i tot was familiar. She was my primary school friend. To be honest enough i had a little crush. We wrote letters to each others.. and i drew to her many many pictures.. almost every other day that i return from secondary school. Pictures of almost anything. I was happy tats all i know. Yet shy to be any closer. Well her letters are still in a golden box in my drawer. Sweet innocent ages have been long gone. Met my band mates! They were nice! ? Well Thats JC. My life made a turn. I do still draw portraits. I drew one for Milene, by my friend's request. During O level.. my mom said i was wasting time. i thought not. I drew a few for Charmaine and Elim.. And i am sure no one ended in Elim's hands! hahaha! Was there? I forgot. My memory start to fail. I drew a few more... sad sad.. getting sadder as i draw. JC life was a holiday trip in Anderson. I love it. I was so sick in California. I lost my voice. There wasn't anything interesting. Well i learnt to play my drums then. Bit by bit i picked up my skill. still under exposed in my ears. I love her. Then it is when i got my Swiss Triplet! fast! FAST! I can't control my joy! And then i picked up my swiss army knife and my rifle in tat army camp. Tortured, yet pampered. Can't explain the paradox. Every night, a song sings me to sleep.. Hide me now.. under your wings... cover me.. within your mighty hands... Zzz.. When the.. ocean.. zz... even now i feel sleepy. Whenever i run! A song motivated me on.. MY life is in you lord my strength is in you lord my hope is in you in you is in you! Gold.. and money i got. friends i made. Thank God for a hope i can put in Him. Well got to Scouts, and had weird friends.. nice friends.. friends i still can't mix well with. Played lots of card games and it is when i picked up my guitar. Guitar! I do remember sitting beside the window early before the sun rise holding the bible and reading by chapters. Then a BX or tank will start its engine... VRooMmmmmm...mmmmm...mmm...mmmmmmm...mmmm.... all the way mmmm...mmmm..mmmmm... till i turn off my brain to the mmmm.mmmm.....haha! Then after praying for church and Pastor and Elim and Charmaine and reuben. I forgot to pray for the rest. I do pray sometimes for Yee kei though. haha! After these.. i go to my guitar! And play my C major scale. and i play the melodies i remember i hear b4. Well my ears.. were still tone deaf then. Haha!mmmm.....mmmmm....mmmm....
I learnt wadds bar chords. And tats all. HAhaha! There was once during Charmaine's birthday when i can't give anything.. trapped in camp.. so free... i guess tats why i called to wish her happy birthday! Haiz.. i know i am not like this one... i never do such stupid stuff. That's the year she got empty After8 chocolate box from me. Wahaha!!!! I did it on purpose! hahaha! She is so funny Hahaha!!!! I ate all the chocolates cuz they are so tasty and so she will have none to eat!!! I was crazy for sure. Anyway, i still drew portraits even in my camp. I drew some for my camp friends... using paper and pen. Pen was a tough medium for sure. At the same time i tried oil portrait for my daddy and mommy's wedding photos. It was such a failure i must say.. But i still have a picture of a little girl holding a seashell.. that was a water colour portrait though. Haha.. I love that one. Then i drew a pencil portrait and then a colour pencil portrait. And finally i did an oil painting portrait for Charmaine in 4days and the last night... i can't dry it in time. To compensate for the empty chocolate box which i hope whe will forget. Proportions were a little off.. and the sea looked weird to me.. but nevermind.. tat marks the end of my portrait journey. And to architecture, i drew lots of diagrams which i thought was too easy.. but tedious... I must thank God for the years of drawing trainings i put myself under. Intensive study and practice by myself. God knows well har.. hahaha!! He sure does knows where i am headed. Well, so i picked up piano. I like my teacher Peili, taught me all my scales and a nice piano tone i thought i still have. I bought her a farewell persent of disney princess pencil box and i know she used it for her last lesson. And she brought me through the grade 5 exam. Now lesson is ex and i stop. i won't say y. cuz it is very expensive. And then i teach drums. I learnt metal drumming then... and teach double pedal techniques. I learnt as i taught. And as i teach, i learn. haha! And so i am stop playing for church cuz i thought i can't play in that context. Well, now i am playing again. Playing for God, you don't need to be good. You need to be true. Ok, i wish we could be more honest to each other. We can be good. But when everything is pointed towards me.. "it all depends on you." !!! I am not God. I won't know what you all want? If only God put someone in my shoe now. I hear a side of building up and a side of toning down! CRAZY! I usually do follow the instruction though... do whatever i want.. and i know it is horrible! Be honest! I still love her. It's hard to put down the things that have been tormenting me. I am quite certain no one will follow the reading till so far.. so it is time to be honest in me. Jiaxing is my name. Hahaha!
I can't love anymore i am hurt. So deep i am not loving. God i need your help to help me love again. Anyone. Terrible.
Okok. I am ok. Everything is fine in me. Pull back the curtain! I can't help it.
Ok to talk of being ok... i have to go back to my drums. You see i started my double pedal at the unmatched slow speed of 30bpm in quaver. still can't control.. and after learning that there are 3 levels to attain in double padling, i achieved the 3rd level of 180.. and today i was requested by Dean to try 200bpm at quaver speed in one leg at a time. I did it! haha! Amazing technique. So i blasted a blast beat. PoWer!
reh evol llits i. Anyway, sorry for anyone who want to read. I really take this place to spill. I really don't wanna affect anyone in anyway, spiritually, physically, emotionally.

Thats all Forks! Hahaha!

It don't have to be this way

Well i came to a conclusion.
All these things don't have to fall this way.
I may be terrible but i can't be terrible forever.
I may feel rejected but i won't if i open myself up and be willing to accept anything.
I may be prayerless but how much prayer for me can change the way i am.
I may be a christian.. but who force me to stay one?
I may not feel God, but why do i need to?
I may not be a great man.. but what's wrong staying a whimp?

Haha! I am terribly in need of a divine hand to pull me out of this quicksand. Haiz.

Enough!

I am sick and tired of being a "christian"!

I am sick of going to cell and doing the church.

I am so sick of expecting something different to see nothing at all.

And the worse of all is the sickness of myself feeling so sick and disgusted at myself doing church and walking away getting nothing.

So bored of the sermon, so irritated of all that music, so hating myself for being in that place called Church. So sick of all the seriousness when no one seems to be on earth.. no one seems to understand.

No one wanna talk.. I care nothing much at all neither.

Finances, politics, world news, money money money, Love? Blaming, blaming, joking and blaming, it is not funny at all. Oo.

Ok What about me?
God, i am there dead like a rock... i don't talk and i don't want to talk.
I am rebelliously silent. I can't take all the "adult talk" as if i am one of the adult. I can't share any thoughts cuz i got none. I am not into jokes cuz they are not funny. I can't play cuz i am matured. I can't make any friends cuz i am not a friend. I can't get it. It is most true Jesus you are my only best friend, no doubt.

I am not complaining. I am not sad. I am just lonely God. I am just not accepted into the norm. I am so depressed always. Who will wanna come close to a heart that is always depressed? No one. But u.

I am down but i am not encouraged.. but i really feel really really lonely and afraid. I am down and when i see dissappointed looks for me.. i am worst. I don't want to play drums.. and i really feel threatened God..If i don't play, someone will be raised up to play. This sounds more threatening to me than encouraging.. and of course it will harden my rebellious heart NOT to PLAY.
And this will raise my pride.. cuz i said myself i don't want to play.. if i want to play again... it will look like i have lost the battle of rebellion. So i will never play. But in my heart.. I don't want to put your gift to waste as it eveporates from my hands. I don't know.. i am worse than terrible. But i don't want to be.

It is true i need encouragement.. i am down and i can't think rationally. And i am certain i won't be able to find any help from leaders or pastors or friends.. Who will wanna come near this depressed heart?

But you God. My best friend. I don't wanna go to church to do the church anymore. The hypocrite in me is long enough to disgust me. My spirit wants to be with you but my heart is rebelling. I know you are there.

Enough! I hate myself.

My final exam.

Tomorrow is my final day of exam. I can't wait. But i know i have to do this.
I have no idea what can be tested and i don't really have resources to study.
So BEWARE. The followings will be my ranting .. on and on.. of the experiences through this course.

READ ON AT YOUR OWN RISK.

here it goes.

My lecturer Mr Erwin Viray.
Lecture1,
What is Design? What is a Designer?
We discusses that everyone can be a designer. And there we are, comparing the clothing of a lady and a gentleman, Hafiz, in front of the lecture hall. haha. That was new to me.
Anyway, there is this Essay. "What is design?" by Victor Papanek.
He discussed the same topic of design but more detailed.
" All men are designers. All that we do.. design is the basic to all human being."
Now he carries on to discuss about Form vs Function where Frank Lloyd Wright stated that "form and functions are one" He agrees. And then classifies Function into 6 different aspects.. 1.method 2.use 3.telesis 4.need 5.aesthetic 6.association
The rest of the essay explains on these aspects.

Then comes the next essay.
Delirious New York, by Rem Koolhaas
Rem Koolhaas is a Dutch architect. In this essay by him, he is into the Paranoid Critical Method (PCM). He simply say it is "The conquest of the irrational".
However to Dali Salvador who first derived this PCM thing.. he says.. it is the spontaneous method of irrational knowledge based on the critical and systematic objectifications of delirious associations and interpretations..."
Carrying on in the essay, Kunsthal is introduced as an example of PCM.
Kunsthal is a museum designed by Rotterdam firm of Rem Koolhaas. Here is a part i won't understand without seeing it. There is a very detailed description of Kunsthal.
That eventually says that one can actualay imagine a spiral in 4 separate squares! Intriguing indeed. I hope i can do something like that... one can actually faint and vomit from the illusions by walking on a straight pathway back to the door of his house... Woo! Inevitably PCM at work here! Hahaha!

Ok now to Lecture 2.
Ok There is this email spam to my mail box.
It contains the information that constitute this talk.
A quote by Le Corbusier " Architecture if the masterly, correct and magnificent play of masses brought together in light. Our eyes are made to see forms in light.(sometimes i feel this is a little too obvious) light and shade reveal these forms.. cubes cones cylinder bla bla.. are the greatest primary form which light reveal to advantage.." To me.. Architecture consist of many forms.. which i can see when light falls into my eyes.. and then these forms are just what i need to play around with lego blocks.

This is interesting.. now.. Joseph Beuys.. He sculpts i guess. He is rather genius to me.
"My objects are to be seen as stimulants for the transformations of the idea of sculpture, or of art in general. They should provoke thoughts about what sculpture can be and how the concept of sculpting can be extended to the invisible materials used by everyone."
His sculpture ... scarily..
"That is why the nature of my sculpture is not fixed and finished. Processes continue in most of them: chemical reactions, Fermentations, color changes, decay, drying up. Everything is in a state of change."
I can't imagine going into the museum to experience the stench and see maggots crawling in one of Joseph Beuy's sculpture... i guess he don't mean this. I like his idea though. Reminds me of one of my paintings.. which i sent off without it drying up.. how i wish to see its state now... surely no maggots are on it.

Now lecture 3 put no impression on me.
However i would like to say of this famous Herzog De Meuron architecture firm.
Herzog de Meurom is a firm by Jacques Herzog and Pierre de Meuron. Now i recall falling asleep in this film on The "Tate Modern" museum in London. The giant Spider in the museum crawl its way into my dreams.. and i woke up with a little jerk. haha.
Anyway.. i know either Herzog of De Meuron or both of them said something about erecting the museum as if it is something that pops out of the earth.. they mix the stone gathered at that area into int concrete mix and "decorated" its facade with these stones and rocks. I would like to plant creepy crawliey plants on my own private house.. Just imagine SWAMP THING. Wahahah! Maybe a little nicer.

Lecture 4..
Another quote by Le Corbusier :" And suddenly you touched my heart and do me good. I am happay and i say, " This is beautiful". That is architecture. Art enters in.
Then the next person.. You guessed it Haha! Joseph Beuys.



Hey hey i like his idea here!

Joseph Beuys says that :" My main concern is for the transformation of substance, rather than the traditional aesthetics understanding of beautiful appearences. If creativity relates to the transformation, change and development of substances then it can be applied to everything in the world and is no longer restricted to art."

What is a substance to him? For me i will interprete it as the black thing that people call the venom. You sure have seen it consume spiderman and give him such power and irritation. No wonder it is a concern for Joseph Beuys. If the "substance" could make us more creative, so why not develop it in a factory and apply it to everyone, everything in the world. So.. now we have to sent out a mass search for "the substance". Haha.. i sure like Jacob Beuys.

Now there is this quote by lao Tzu
"way making being empty, you make use of it, but do not fill it up."
Oom... Emptiness.. rings in my head.. like Oomm... because it spells "C-O-C-O-N-U-T"
Ooom... Make use of me.. but just don't fill me up. Hahaha! I am so going to jail for being a coconut head. Pls no offence.. i am a real coconut head.. but i still respect all other teachings.

Ok.. Then this Japanese Designer i like too.
Kenya Hara!
He is the art director for Muji. And he is a communication designer. He writes a whole essay on "What is Design?" But before that.. i have to go through the 53 minutes of hypnotising by Kenya Hara cuz i don't understand a thing. But I think i got the whole gist of the hypnotising method- "EMPTINESS.. emptiness.."

In F*c*, his accent is so strong i keep getting the wrong meaning. I recall this... "With the wind, they fly over the mountain forest, and the small villages, and yet they are also deep within the sea... and the Ass as well."

I tot i heard wrongly.. but i still can't figure out what is the replacement word for Ass.

Here is the youtube. Around 5:28, help me hear what is the word pls.



Man, enough for lectures.. i like this part of the film called
The way things go.
By Peter Fischli



So cool lor. I also wanna try something like that. Seems like i am easily influenced. Yes i am.

Ok then another film By... who?
I forgot who is the camera man.. he is interesting. But he shoots on Yoji Yamamoto.
Yoji Yamamoto is a fashion designer based in tokyo.

Drums

Drums like any other instruments has a story behind it.
Since i dream of being a drummer, i guess one day i will have to know
Y drums are what they are now.

Of course i won't want to bore myself with prehistoric caveman drumming on their logs.

I will Start with a man who has great influence on the development of modern drums.

Gene Krupa (1909 - 1973):




Gene Krupa was born in Chicago, Illinois.
Gene started out playing sax in grade school but took up drums at age 11 since they were the cheapest item in the music store where he and his brother worked. "I used to look in their wholesale catalog for a musical instrument - piano, trombone, cornet - I didn't care what it was as long as it was an instrument. The cheapest item was the drums, 16 beans, I think, for a set of Japanese drums; a great high, wide bass drum, with a brass cymbal on it, a wood block and a snare drum." - drummerworld.com

" Gene is considered the father of the modern drumset since he convinced H.H. Slingerland, to make tuneable tom-toms. Tom-toms up to that point had "tacked" heads, which left little ability to change the sound. The new drum design was introduced in 1936 and was termed "Seperate Tension Tunable Tom-Toms." Krupa was called on by Avedis Zildjian to help with developing the modern hi-hat cymbals. The original hi-hat was called a "low-boy" which was a floor level cymbal setup which was played with the foot. This arrangement made it nearly impossible for stick playing. Gene's first recording session was a historical one. It occured in December of 1927 when he is noted to be the first drummer to record with a bass drum." - drummerworld.com

Gene's classic performance on "Sing Sing Sing" has been heralded as the first extended drum solo in jazz.


Drum Boogie:

The "boogie" represented everything that Krupa was as a soloist, technician, melodist, drummer-for-dancers, dramatist and crowd pleaser. It begins with the familiar Krupa "dotted- quarter" note pattern of ringing rim shots on the snare drum,
progresssed to triplets on the snare and later tom tom accents almost as if he were going to introduce listerners to every technique one by one, buids in volume and complexity to a fever pitch, suddenly drop down to an incredibly soft volume while still continuing the triplet pattern, and finally build up to a shattering climax of 32nd note, single stroke roll, replete with more tom-toms and cymbal crashings. All the while the bass drum beat '1-2-3-4'. - World of Gene Krupa by Bruce H. Klauber.

Gene Krupa and Buddy Rich Drum Battle


I know i can't cover all the drummers, but i would like to show a few more drummers worth noting. Maybe i might go into all the legendary drummers one by one when i am that free. Hahaha!

Anyway to me, Gene Krupa has got this power in his playing and his prominent so called "Gene Krupa style" of ringing rimshots and buzz rolls are worth noting.

Buddy rich(1917-1987):
He is an American Jazz drummer well known for his virtuoso technique and fast hands.
Said to be the best Drummer that ever lived. Very famous for the stick tricks he does, and very much evolved to virtuosic stick tricks done by Jo Jo Mayer.



The left hand technique is something intriguing. Wonderous actually, of how he is able to do such kind of articulated fast roll with one hand and incorporate accents using right hand. At this moment, i am going to take on this challenge to get it...

Lonely

I am sure someone on earth has ever felt the same as i do.

So many things happened in the day, and all i need is someone physical
to talk to and share my feelings.

That someone will be my blog. Seriously, i am thinking who on earth will wanna hear me rant on and on about all my ideas, yet on the other hand, I myself will really want to hear what ideas i once had in my life. It will be a real waste not to journal it down.

A gradual flood of lonelines. As years pass, i gradually draw really far from everyone else. Even the closest friends. My handphone can be left untouched for years only to realise miss call from mummy.. must be the usual question, "coming home to eat?" sms, will be for projects and work. Except for Wee Siang who ask me out for a buddy lunch or maybe just meeting up.

Y?

Cuz i am rather passive. A flat battery. Sorrow... Sob.. sob... talk to me pls.

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Anyway, my deprived social life aside.

I am starting to miss band. The feeling of being part of a whole. A small triangle *plink* in the mdist of flutist. A loud "BOOM!!" out of the deafening silence. A groove in the song. A idleist(someone who idle around) among the business (busy-ness).

Well today, alot of rhythms fell onto my head. I was thinking about them all the way to school. And interestingly i can't remember any now.
While i was on my way home. This idea came to me.
To really play any rhythm i hear, i must first categorise it.

1) Linear rhythm - where the beats talk without interupting each other.
2) Polyrhythm - where beats interact with each other.

And what is the use of Linear rhythm?

They are clean. Understandable. They are even used to speed up a polyrhythm groove by abstracting it down. Just imagine, in primary school when each student pick one sentence of the whole story to read. We can hear the whole story and at the same time feel different expression by each unique pupil. Or even better example... Passing baton in a 800m race.

Polyrhythm?

Of course to convey a feeling with the interaction of fast and slow beats. A constant fast beat over a constant slow thud will makes us feel rush or paniky. Busy rhythm(not necessary fast) over a constant throbbing bass will makes us dancy. Crashing first 2 notes of a Triplet over a quaver will be a like an unexpected heart attack! Fast Unison constant beat is like taking a deep breath before jumping down a Majestic cliff. African drummers are much better at these polyrhythms and i must say some of theirs are breathtaking! So excited that you can't scream!

I was thinking of adding rhythmic modulation after a groove. But the thing is i can't do it alone without affecting the flow of the big part of the music, unless everyone modulates together, it will be as good as drumming out of beat.

But Y modulate? I have no idea too. I was thinking, Rhythms are arranged so strictly in time that to hasten it, the smallest jump will be 32th of a chrochet beat, if it is in 4/4. Unless, they put accel. and we hasten at our own pleasure. Hahaha! To be evil, time modulation can allow composers to hasten his/her music without using accel. but producing Strict timming of hastening according to the tempo!
This i am sure is already in use by really... perfectionist composers.. i guess. Especially composers who are pianist.

Talking about time, every thing that we play are in sync with time flow. Time always go forward. Tomorrow cannot be today. Neither can today be yesterday. There is only one way in human history to time travel and play something of the past. Play it through mp3! HAhaha! Let me be lame for a while la. Hahaha!

Anyway, i once heard rhythm will be the last thing in your brain to go off when your harddisk crash! It is something related with your brain storage of rhythm, and also it is one of the most early part to develop.

So if one day my head crash into something, i do hope i still can play drum even though i may forget my name.

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Back to my day,

I miss my sticks so much today and i was brimming with an urge to bang out those things in my head that i alighted at douby ghaut(NEL) instead of hougang(NEL). So i went PS yamaha. There are so many sticks... and most important of all, there is a nice practice pad, the shop was nice and quiet too. So i picked up the All sorts of sticks to try.

The "new technology" of anti vibration in stick is not really obvious to the feel, but i can say it is comfortable when you bang it using wrist. But if you play fast runs with free strokes, i can say, no difference. Cuz i was thinking, may be the stick catch all the rebound for the free stroke, there won't be any energy left to vibrate.

And after today i came up with a few realisations of stick feel.

Round tip - easier bounce very strong rebound.
flat tip - fairly strong vibration, and you can be very lyrical with this.
no tip/Hard Rock - The vibrations reaches your bones! weak rebound. Mainly for POWER!

Thin neck - feels lightning fast, tendency to forget that your hand exist.

Heavy sticks - good control over dynamics.
Light sticks - fast but less control over the dynamics no Power.

Rubber padding - Feels good, won't affect much.

So i was in Yamaha for 1 hour 45 minutes trying the sticks, helping to put the poor misplaced sticks back to their own kind. Well no one stop me. I tot i have to be there for the sticks. Haha! Crazy i am. But, I felt responsible for once!

But there is another reason i am there for so long! I don't want to be squeezed in the 6pm MRT crowd. So i wait till 8pm to take train.

So i practiced my strokes. As usual, i will not miss out my triplet integrated into paradiddle. Tats my own cocktail of rhythm. haha! And then i work on it. Then i try the moller technique, something i still havn't gotten after practicing 1 year. I think something's wrong, just donno what. Then my swiss army triplet, a nostalgic JC1 discovery when i felt so slack and just wanna let my hands bounce.. Then TADA, Swiss Army triplet! Then 5 stroke roll, 6 stroke roll. And Swiss roll! Haha! Tats a cake.

A secret for increasing speed. Use heavy sticks, to play single stroke roll. Then light sticks.

A secret for control, use your arm and wrist and finger simultaneously at the right time. If got time i should write a book on this cuz i didn't realise till very late, only if i knew eariler. Tats y it is always good to have a teacher. I need one too.

And then, i heard this guy doing a double bass groove. Then a Thomas lang blast beat!
I was trying to catch all the beats of the groove, only to realise i can't. All i knew was, it is a linear pattern, until blast beat, a simple polyrhythm done very fast. I caught blast beat but i can't do it as fast.. Ah i practice maybe i can. All the time i had for drums is to think of it, seldom play it. So i hear well, i play lousily.

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I hope to be there again next friday to practice my strokes.
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God, tell me my calling. Help me to be nice and true to people. I am lonely, let me hear you again lest i get lost in my own drum world.

Learning guitar again...

My fingers have been taking a long break. Amazingly they are not getting fat. Just like i am not getting fat even without moving, instead the opposite is happening. I can estimate by the rate my weight drop, i might vanish from earth in 6 months time.

Anyway a long time since i put my tots to words. Lots of things happen. Well my status now is NUS student! I kinda like it, sounds nerdy enuf to suit me.

Architecture was.. CRAZY!(End of story)

I tried to join certain CCA which i like, by rank.. Jazz band, Voices, rock band.. i didn't get into any, for a reason or two.. Jazz band cuz i can't commit my time... it is on saturday i got cell group. Voices cuz i can't sing. Rock i have no idea y! But thank God, this rock guitar band sounds rather satanic.. ask me whether i would play satanic metal songs after knowing i am a christian. I said "NO!" for God's sake. So... ... I ended up in Ge Yao! As a... Drummer?... I don't know i might learn and play bass guitar... then one day i will be able to play for church, more of for God! If He allows me to. *ponders*

So, i am in Ge Yao. A chinese POP band. As a drummer. I wack like never before, and i was rather soft... then i realize, i have to turn up the volume of the electronic drum..-_-!!! I don't like electronic drums though.. what is the meaning of playing electronic drums when drum machines can sound better... there is no.. bond... *sloppishly drag my stick across the rubber heads.* Meaningless... *zzz...*

The practice room is hot like Sauna! Raining sweat is a common phenomenon. Yucks!

Anyway, there is this girl, Jamie. I told her i have been wanting to learn guitar. Well, i said next time when she is free she can give me a few tips. Wow she said... "Why not now!" I was happy. So i stole 1 guitar out of the room! Eventually she got one guitar out too. So she reviewed what i know.. chords, scales, notes on the guitar... ok i know quite something for a self taught guitarist. So she carried on and introduced the CAGED system!!! A mystery i have never solved!!! I was happy finally i am going to know it!

So the CAGED system is revealed.. in less than 15.5 seconds. She show me a EMajor chord.. And then point out the 3 E notes in the chord.. then show me a pentatonic scale derived from it. Tada! I see Light!!! (not that i was going to faint from information overload)I see Light in how to TEAR DOWN the guitar fretboard!!! I said what i need to say.. "COOL!" *wide eyes*. WAHAHA was her reply.

So next she taught me how to bend the string, then a common lick, then a trill using forefinger! Man i have always wanted to do all these tricks! And she commented a common mistake of my pinky finger becoming stiff. WAHAHA was her comment!

-_-!!!

Well, Hahaha, I have never in my life hear anyone laugh as loud as her! Cute. Tats just a comment, no futher tots in my heart. Well, i must compliment her patience and powerful guitar teaching skill. I tot only if someone could reveal this 15.5 seconds of secret to me earlier.. anyway i got it.

So when i was on my way home, i derived out all the 5 patterns of the CAGED system on my black sketch book. I sit back and exclaimed!! "God what wonderful systematic brains you gave humans!" This systematic fretboard pattern will be a wonderfu launch pad for creative expression of music.

Anyway, a word about learning... i realise the importance to "learn how to learn". Learn about the ways humans learn and realise your best way. I realise my way was to practice learning more.. Anyway i am curious about so many things and how it works.

Elim once asked me on MRT.. Y you suddenly wanna sing, then guitar, then piano. *I know she might be thinking i am thinking she is thinking i am fickle minded.* Read slowly and get it... don't misunderstand my point. So since i am not fickle minded... i must clarify!

My parents will never get it... Anyway, there is a difference between these 2. A baby playing with an interesting toy and tossing it out of sight forever vs a baby playing with an interesting toy and then then exploring it day after day, leaving it at times when the problem gets unsolved and certainly getting back to it latter on.

Same as my younger brother elploring his cheap binoculars on certain mornings opening it and closing it back... i have no idea what's his problem. It is simple as a binoculars... I look through it.. ok.. 5X view.. so what. Even wanting to tell him not to waste his time. Haha. Anyway i will never konw y is he so curious about binoculars. Up till now he still does it.

So y guitar, y piano, y not just my drums? I don't know what is keeping me so curious about them and i just wanna explore more about them everyday. Sadly, to define it as a passion is too late. Maybe it will be a passion without talent. Its totally fine with me, and i am just exploring what i want to... not exploring because i need to ace the grades.. i can say i am sick of this attitude of learning not for the sake of learning, but for grades and then "good paying jobs". Money money.. money. Hack what ever money. Till the day that i understand why money brings glory... i Hack wat is the purpose of wanting to be rich.
First apologise if i offend any rich people.. but get me point. What i don't like is the "WANT to be rich" attitude... not the rich people. Sometimes, the idea of.."you are what you want to be!" isn't true.. some people are born rich can't help.
I am born rather rich too, well can't help, Thank God for it. And i won't want to be any richer if it means the suffering of others.. poor souls. Haiz... Politics.. if politics were more honest and up front as what they are.
Well, i think i would rather watch disney productions than care anything about politics.
Unless... I have the power to change it.. and what gives me the power in this world? Money! And what i dislike? The "Want to be rich!" So since i won't be rich as i don't want to be.. i hope someone rich do something important. Anyway its ok.. To ease this ugly sight of human greed... including myself... i know just look up.. or maybe look down... close my eyes and know that He knows. More people need to know that when all else fails, He knows.. Well, i hope to share my hope in God with someone who feels hopeless... maybe as hopeless as i feel towards this world.

There is no place i can be as honest

Truly i am dying inside to get away from all form of pretense.

Ever since i was born, what i am made to do has two purposes to it.
First is for survival, second is to appease the Giant of whom i call "Public".

In layman terms, what i do is first determined by mortal needs
and next is to conform to the world of how things should be perceived.

Nothing means more than living like who i am.
In no way of expressing anything to oppose myself.

In this lustful world, money and fame dangerously attract many to its glamor.
Money is nothing without the resources it can purchase.
Power of fame is nothing if its influence is not at all beneficial to mankind,
such powerful individuals are mere control freaks.

Anyway, i am happy as i am.. passing by this generation of humans and
happy to leave it without a trace.
Sometimes people say, you must first be the change you want to see in the world.
I see there needs to be a change, but i am uselessly unmotivated and disgusted
by the zeal of the Giants whose motives i do not agree with.

... i am not finished yet.

Starting School

"Architecture is the art of wasting space". quoted -someone.


School starts next week.
And i have bought all that is necessary.
Really expensive. The set of drawing pen alone cost me $59!
And 4 other tips at $29 each.

Pok liao.

Still got a laptop on the way at $2106.
And i went around looking for a book..
only to find it at $89 in popular..
I decided not to get it. So many books to read up..
I will just sit in library i guess.

I have no idea y i need a paper half my body length for my
first lesson on monday.
I can fold a paper crane that can carry me to the sky! Hahaha!
Hope i will put this paper to good use.

I got out the pencil set Crystal gave me as a birthday present 4 years ago.
Ranging from H - 6B. I liked it alot ever since i got it.
And now it is officially my "pencils" box.
Thank you so much Crystal. It is one of my most memorable presents.

I am still deciding whether to put down my drums.
I still must really thank God for a chance to serve for so long
in His music ministry, I played no matter i was bad or i was nice,
God is always good to me. I love God for this love He showed me first.

And i think i will be good and go cell group.
But still i won't play. I can't.
It has been one of my dreams to be a studio drummer..

I tot i would be good enough if i just get some proper lessons..

I never believed i have any talent.. but i learnt..

It is another of my dream to be an Artist(not architect)

But strangely for drawing.. i never practice yet people appreciates..
Looking into the mirror, i always see the Best Artist ever, That is God.
I can draw portraits.. but it is God who forms what i see first.
He even formed a mind in me where i can imagine..
Aber this art of forming an imaginative space is incredible.
Humans imitates by creating AI. AI responds but i doubt they imagine.

Anyway my point is, i love to draw. And thank God for this joy of drawing.












If i were an architect, i would create for greener earth, happier people.
A space that feels like home. Pay me just so i can settle my 3 meals and take a bus home. :)

Jazz Band

I have heard Jazz music, I have seen Jazz music.
But I have never played jazz before.

Today i saw before my eyes a live jazz band!
I never knew how improvisational was it until today.
It is free but given a simple set of rules. Trading 4.. sometimes 8.

It is a pleasure to meet a drummer, Brandon. He is good.
Friendly too. He said he has been playing for 2 years, Wow, he is
better than i was when i played for 2 years. The trick?
He said.. " I practiced right.."
I do agree.
"What book?" i asked..
"bop drumming" He said.

*I was silent about coming across it and tot it was not really applicable to me..
i don't play jazz anyway. I have no idea what i play too.. i play.. mistakes.
Going back to drums seems rather weird now. Real practice would need real commitment.

Anyway i do love to eat the subway in NUS. They are real generous with their veges.
And with 20% discount. Nice.

And the bus ride and MRT rides are really long. Feels like vomiting.

Well, met this lady, Ruth. From the name she's obviously a Christian.
Pretty smart. Medicine student. Play really well too. As would be expected
for a 2 years drummer. Shivers.. i am really scared of what is in the head
of Medicine students. I was almost one. I'm one who couldn't make it.

Before school start i might want to warm up a bit before my jazz drums audition.
Hope to pass. *stretch fingers*
*picks up sticks again for serious practice*

God i will never forget you in my life.
Although i may not be disciplined to pray everyday, i still remember you are the one who gives me "today".
I can't digest 7 chapters of bible a day, yet i am glad i still hold fast to your promises.
Anyway, i know i am really bad.
But in you i still see love.

Writing again

I am back blogging. :)
It was a real long freezer hibernation.

Just an update..
Gone are my Tough jungle lives..
Gone are my stressful, complicated and terrible working days.
Got a place in NUS architecture.

The 2 years of brain laze has cumulated tonnes of moss in my brain grooves.
I suspect if i do some x ray i might not see my brains. Empty as my snare drum.
*konk*

My days seems sadder and sadder.. i think i choose to be sad thats y.
Only if i could see the bright side of some things again.

*Randomness sinks in*
I still remember those depressed days when i missed one sunday of service..
I was a JERK. I talk like one, i act like one, i was one.
I don't like myself then.. I told myself not to act this way again.
Because i am not a jerk by nature. Totally not me.

I went for NUS guitar audition.. feel abit out of place. I tried to start
some conversation just to realise no one is interested to make friend.
I guess i was too talkative then. Anyway as usual i can't sight read,
I do respect them listening to me figuring out the blotch of ink flying around
the stadium tracks..*music score*

I really suspect i have some mental problem in reading.
Words work better than sleeping pills. The score too.. but
as a human, i have learnt to read and write. It is no longer ink
or black scribbly hairs on white surface.

Well as unexpected.. i have to stop my piano lesson. I was sad.
Still am sad. Always look forward to learning something new every lesson.
It will be my last lesson 30 Aug. What do i expect? An angel to appear and
teach me? I will be more than willing to pay $20.. thats what i can afford.
Anyway why would angels need money. I HATE the idea of money!

I am still sad over it.

I am 20 going 21.

I like to play drums. But, the idea of playing just to fill in the gap
when there is no gap at all disgust me. Makes no difference with
or without me. The only difference might be greater ease to the ear. Haha.
God i do love to play for you. I know you understand, I don't need to play.
Simple as having a spider on a wall. Or maybe a lizard.
I have no idea how else i can serve you.
I know! I can be the church's dishwasher, sounds more useful. Hahaha!
I will be one! Or i guess i am already one just not officially one.

Somehow the church reek of market smell.. or is it just me.
I don't think i smell like market. It is just a smell of meat kept in freezer.
I really don't mind being a vegetarian.. but surely i think i don't like
meat in my home freezer. Hahaha. Except Mock Meat. Veg meat.

Thank God i am deficient in my reading skills but to make up
He give me good nose. I never realise it till i tot i can differentiate coke from pepsi. Mm.. who can't. Hahaha. How about.. salt from socks. Hahaha! I beat no one dare to taste socks.. I also don't dare. Reuben once told me Charmaine got a smell..
i am sure he don't mean BO. I guess it is the shampoo when there is no perfume. What brand? Indian brand, Hahaha. Joking. But Indian smells thick and sweet.. i mean the garland.. the hair smells like olive oil and herb.

However good my taste and smell.. i am sure. Unless i get flu. Sadly i have unconventional likings. Not as the public would agree upon i would somehow feel there
is depth to the taste. Challenging enough to appreciate.
Anyway i love to eat what i love to eat. No amount of *Eeee or *Yucks will deter me from agreeing with *Eee.
Hahaha.

I really love to eat Yee Kei's Bee Hoon though. And the porridge in church. I am sure everyone agrees. It is not the food i taste.. it is the love i feel. Even if it is not something i like i will eat.. if it is not too spicy. Same for my mummy's food :)

Talk about spicy. It does numb my tongue. It match my character ya.. i am not those up for the trill.. But i do love trills on piano. Chopin's nocturne is sprinkled with it.

No more nonsense. I am sure i will be the only sentimental and crazy one to come back to read my own post. More to come.

I will wanna put down my uni experience in the days to come.

What is a Man?

Finally, after a day of fun and excitement with me, myself and i.. i have decided on the one to keep. May it be a wise choice.


Someday a boy will grow up to be a fine young man.

I am turning 21. I know i have not tried every single thing a teenage boy can possibly do, well and i am glad i did not. Now, why look back? I am looking forward now to all the responsibilities and commitments a man has to be equipped with. Looking back, it is quite laughable what a heck of a nonsense that young boy utter! Not every single word is nonsense though. But he is quite humorous. What a lot of tantrum he throws, well thats me. And definitely a heart that is wrongly fixated on wrong ladies.. What a whole globe of people you missed when you can't let go.. stop wasting your time!

What is a Man?

I have heard good things and bad things about man. But what portrait of a Man can i paint depends on how i am going to walk this path God has planned. A boy don't turn Man overnight, well but there is definitely a point of beginning of change... and it starts now.

This is the last post of my life. The life of a man is more than what a blog can contain. *seriousness sinks in*

Settle down on one.

It is rather quite scary how different i have become.

One moment, i felt like going onto the street and stare at any stray kids to pick up a fight. Kick off any stones in my way. Well i was on my bicycle though, and i tried everything i could, fly down the slopes, raced with cars, jay-ride all the traffics.. And you did guessed it, i was all alone... i think God would have turned away at this... so i thought i was alone.

Another moment, i walked the shops, not interested at the clothes at all.. well, it was all ladies wear what, why care a 2nd look? Boring.. Yet, i still walked, 1st storey, 2nd storey, 3rd, 4th,Arcade? Boring.. Cinema? Boring. Nothing seems to appeal to me. So i sit by the fountain. Hey Jiaxing! You don't shop! Let alone shopping with yourself.

How nice now if someone even care to just throw a stone at me.. Well, Do IT! I will not hesitate to exchange it for a punch! Well i might pay you to do it. Forget it... Jiaxing You are a jerk!

Ok, the next moment, i stepped into church.. If this were the old testament times, i might just slaughter anything that falls into my hand place it on the altar. And wait for the lightning to strike me down. Can't imagine what i said.. " God, you know what i am thinking, you know what i am going to say, so why should i even talk to you? ".. " Hello there..." ... " Answer me!"... well forget it.. and so i left and locked this place up. Thinking.. " How nice if God even care to strike me!"

The next day, i was totally different. I woke up with a whisper, " Thank you Lord i am still alive." Found myself so guity and repented.. Worshipped and prayed.

But it will not be long until i "start to think" i am alone again!

There are 2 dreams i can't forget.. In one, Pastor talked to me.. I was so Sian! I gave a "Stop it" look. She droned on and on...

In the next dream, She was talking to me again, a sentence in her droning caught me. Translated.. Jiaxing, you have a unique character. (I think to myself, " But i am so bad inside.") She continued.. you can choose to have a lousy attitude or a right attitude. Don't forget you can be pure and simple, but if you choose to turn bad...
(i can't remember i think i woke up)..

And so it was Saturday after my maths tuition. I am in church again. Pastor lau called me on phone.. I smacked my forehead and shook my head in disbelief... And guess what.. i hid my phone in my pocket and go to the drum to drown off the vibration. Terrible!! What the hell are you doing Jiaxing!!! Following that Reuben and Crystal continued tuition while i grabbed my bicycle and started to run away.

I cycled real fast.. well.. I think i have no idea whatever gotten me to compass point and i decided to buy bubble tea for Elim and Crystal and i went back to church. All was normal again as people see it.

Pastor did talked to me this sunday afternoon. I mean.. It is no more dream.. real talking. Well i understand whatever love relationship or bgr thing. Whats wrong.. it is not about this. I am just changing.. for the worsT. Well.. maybe it is just.. How being "alone" drives me nuts! I hate Nuts btw!

Well.. 2 different characters i have now fighting inside.. I just need to choose one. The more dominant one will be advantageous and domineering .. the meek and gentle one will be sweet.. well.. Mm. Haha! Try first. Settle on one and so be it.

There is a tendency for the viciously atheist one to exhibit on solitary situations. Hey jerk, lets go for some fun. Haha!

The week to come is going to be exciting!

The storm 's over.

Looking back..

I was drenched with darkness and rebellion. Believe me.. i might even bash you(guys only) up if you offend me on that stormy day of mine.

I missed church. I don't know what i was doing. And i don't know why it happen. But all i know is.. i was feeling really angry and really troubled.

I want to Thank Elim for being there even when i ignored her.. she still encouraged me.

And Charmaine for telling me of the things i seem to overlook.. Just hope she is not pissed off by my attitude.. haven't heard her for days.

Reuben for being so funny.. he makes me laugh.

Crystal for being there also even when i ignored her TOTALLY..sorry crystal. Well.. and i think she was really angry. She never seem to give up.. and keep asking me to pick myself up when i was feeling so lousy.

Thank anyone who got no idea what happened and still care to read on..

I must Thank God, for bringing me back in his very special way.

:)

silenced.

Silence this blog! My life is currently too dark to write anymore.

Drum lesson!

1 to 1 private drum lessons.

Absolute beginners to newbie.$20 per hour. Learn proper stick techniques and rudiments. Strong emphasis on personal creativity, sight reading will be taught. Call 91553023.

Amateur drummers. $25 per hour. Looking to improve technique, limbs independence and stick control. Want to get a kick start in new genres, Latin( Salsa, Afro cuban, mambo, Samba) , Jazz, or fusion. Requirement: 1 year of experience in hitting those stuff. Call 91553023.

Advance drummers. Free. Aiming to join any possible competition and grab the trophy. Want to learn creative and musical soloing. Requirement: friendly and passionate. Call 91553023, make friends.

Professional drummers. Trying to perfect sight reading and coordination. Incorporating polyrhythms and time shifts and forever expressing the details of complex compositions. Inherit virtuosity. Hunting for a student. Leave a message 91553023. I will call you to take up lessons.

My friend Jarryl :)

Good night old Jarryl,

forever full of riddles.

To his dreams he brings his wonders,

and wakes with a morning ponder.


This kid sure is going to be a great thinker.

If not, at least a lecturer.


For through dark and light,

Fascinations bring a surge of delight,

to his forever curious appetite.


Do pay attention if you see the light bulb twinkle,

in the eyes of my dear friend Jarryl.

For do admit it, the questions are far from simple.


A simple poem, to a not so simple personality, do not oversee some things from what seems to be an obvious situation cuz from it comes great wonders! Way to go Jarryl!

Romance

is like when someone holds you tight... and your heart comes alight.

In their embrace, time is never called a waste.

When tears subside, you realise that he has braved the tide.

His lips are silent yet the his deeds too prominent.

Whispering to you nothing but a simple truth.

A truth you never knew,

that he always love you.

2008

Here now i will list my new year resolution.
About my hobby, I want to:

*Pass an ABRSM percussion Grade5 this year.

*Be able to sight read Grade 3 pieces on piano.

About my physical, I want to:

*Blade gracefully and not get swelling blisters

*Get my IPPT Gold award

*Stay away from chocolate :)

About my relationship, I want to:

*Grow deeper in love with God and mean from my heart whatever that i may say to my God.

*Learn to love freely and to trust God in preparing for me a loving life partner

About my attitude, I want to:

*Be who i am, run and play whenever i can

*Change to be who i have to be, a young man who is gentlemanly

*Become who God wants me to be for His honour and glory!

Church Camp 2007 - Genting

I can recall, the weather was nice. It was cold up there living in the cloud.

I see the bright.

Today is my last day of piano lesson. I practiced the simplified version of Moonlight Sonata movt1. There are so many things i did not see in this music when i first sight read it on my own, I was thinking... How can this be Grade2 when it is simpler than the Grade1 minuet? What i did not expect is the depth to this music. So many new thing i learn from it, technically and musically.
Technical part is the pedal and my finger control for "piano"(soft). Musical part, just too beautifully sorrow i cannot describe. I really thank my teacher Pei Li for pointing out so many beautiful things i overlooked.
I am going to give my fingers a little INTENSIVE "relaxed workout" this holiday. Oxymoron! Haha!


Drummers beware, if ever you were to consider picking up piano (not literally) your middle fingers will be extra !ACCENTED! not the thumb. And in the really beginning, you will realise your last 3fingers are so united they go everywhere STICKING TOGETHER. And tiempo(tempo) is in your head but not on your fingers. Fingers can be real REBELLIOUS! Elim was shaking my wrist to check out my hand. She said it is better than when i was in army. My one and only goal in this holiday is to relax my pinky fingers.
And if a Piano player wanna pick up guitar, Classical guitar is the only choice, Fret whole day(proper fretting) on the guitar and there is no hardening of finger tips at all, just as tender as new. Haha! Like freshly toasted bread.
And i realise never learn so many instruments if age is catching up. You will not be really good at any of them. Thats what happen to me. But i can't help it, my fascination just brings me to wanna know how to play them. I will not fail to Thank God for making me so delicate fingers.

I realise something recently. I love Movie Musicals!
I watched a few movie musicals this year and all of them caught my heart! Leaving a Deep Impression.
1) West Side Story
2) Sound of Music
3) Marry Poppins
4) Moulin Rouge

There is this "Enchanted" I am sure going to catch. Sounds something like Marry poppins where Disney cartoon and Real life combine. But i am sure the latter will be more 'real'! I am not going to miss it!

Holidays are here!

20.

I want to thank.
1.God for creating me
2.Mummy for the labour pain on my birthday
3.Daddy for the care when i was a tadpole
4.two Elder brothers for sacrificing their foods and toys for me
5.My younger brother for not doing the same thing i did to my elder brothers.
6.My grandparents for their utmost care and lunch they prepared
7.My Friends for the dinner at swensens.
8.Kun, Wee, Jun Jian, Kai Xiang, Jin Chong, Stella, Angeline.
9.Cross brearers for the unforgettable game and the Cocktail prepared with love! And all the wonderful gifts :) i appreciate all the presents.. even "spidey".
10.Reuben for the dry fit shirt which fits exactly! *pats* and for trying the cocktail
11.Jarryl for the Spidey! It will be a pet in church.
12.Elim and Jarryl for the Bicycle back light.. Now i will be safer in the night.
13.Vanessa for the Poster which i turned superman! Cool and Funny!
14.Sheryl for the Yamaha Plastic bag.
15.Charmaine for choosing her favourite no. 21 for the last game. How do i know?
16.Yee Kei for the bolt.
17.Shaun for the Big wide smile! :)
(names above are by order starting anticlockwise from me)
18.God for sanctifying the cocktail
19.Finally I am thankful for everything that leads me to.........................
20.

I have got to say this!!!!

Today I tasted this Really Great Cake!!! I don't want to call it tiramisu. Because the image of tiramisu is totally atrocious in my head... the first tiramisu i tasted was like chocolate ice cream cake, the 2nd was like a espresso sponge cake with chocolate.. Terrible!!!

Today I have got to say this... the moment i put this cake into my mouth... the coffee(not espresso) taste penetrated through... slowly.. the chocolate started to melt... and it felt like walking on snow... like a ballet dancer... the peppermint skipped in... and the taste of liquor was like the smooth jazzy background drummer carassing the cymbals with his brushes... I just can't help but.. HAhah!! So happy! Thank God for the cake.

I really wanna share this joy... but.. U know i must learn to control myself... Last time i was so happy eating chocolate i can't resist but finish a box of after8 that was meant to be a b'dae present for Charm..

Now i will wait and see if i get any diarrhoea from the cake.. if not... i am ready to share the joy! Te adora my Lord for santifying the cake. :)

If drums could speak..

"You are noisy!" I told my drums today..
I almost heard her sobbing quietly. For the rest of the worship practice, she just sang quietly.. choked between sobs.
I was so sorry.. But she distracted me from playing to My one true audience,God ,that i simply could not bear to let her carry on. Seemed so out of place.

Various things went through my head in a lightning split second!... Could it be the small room that your Beautiful Projectile just seemed Thunderously NOISY? Or could it be.. i am just not gentle enough? Or could it be my ears.. they are imagining things? Or were the amplifers too soft that a sound from you is like a gunshot in the stillness of the night? Or maybe u are just unnecessary?

Oh God, i still love the skill u have put into my hands.. but i can't.. simply can't put it to use now.. i felt so disappointed.. Feeling as if.. me sitting by my drums is totally unnecessary.
Donno la... there is just this feeling... today, the music is So so... so... so... Extremely EMPTY and DRY... that i just refuse to paticipate in making it... I was totally Crushed in sadness yet hidden in my facade of.."nothing is wrong".

God,in the middle of the night
you called me and tell me
how i was seduced by the beauty of my drum
and drawn so far from you..

Now i ask of you.
Teach me how to play,
The way that speaks your love..

I pray.

Melancholic - Phalegmatic

Melancholic-Phalegmatic is who i am!

How true i see that by the time we are created in the womb, God has already given us a unique personality. Horoscope is never accurate. Don't rely on them to tell you who you are. No one(but God) knows you better than yourself.

I am quite amazed by how personalities/temperaments defines us. There's this Sparkly and cheerful SANGUINE, strong and compulsive CHOLERIC, organized and Perfectionist MELANCHOLIC and lastly the kind and gentle PHALEGMATIC.

Haha, there are so many situations tat define me. The Engine that keeps me motivated seems to cool down so extremely fast as each moment pass. There's a calm that's comparable to the dead sea. And i will tend to shrink myself into corners of shadows, and when i kick start my engine, i will have " let's swim across the pacific ocean NOW!" kinda URGE. Unless someone stops me, "NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!" And when my mind is Cemented to an idea, NOBODY can Bulge me! Stubbon as a bull. When i "stone" i will be thinking of Ultra weird things, from the little frogs in the sky to flying fingers. And the Introvert in me never moves me to approach people at will, needless to say dating someone i like.

It will be more interesting now to know more about others. How ppl react to situations somehow puzzels me now.

Packing my room again..

Nostalgic... The 2005 Jiaxing is so different from who i am now... I can't imagine how creative i was... FLipping through 2 books of incomplete manga drawn by that Jiaxing... I was amazed... I drew this? My idea? So Romantica! And an essay written by Jiaxing 1 year ago i was truly in awe by his maturity of thought and such strong Idea! Totally defeated. And 2 portraits of "teenage magazine" models drawn by him... Haha!! I can beat him in that.. But the portrait was so.."Alive" and it is done with $2 crayon! How did he do that? I grief because tat creative Jiaxing is going to die in a famine. A famine tat lasted 1 year + .. I am so going to brush up my drawing again.

Being in army for almost 2 years by now... Such rusty Brain... Such Determination to meet my Goals no matter what... Such low IQ that cannot even match a donkey.. Such hardwork to lossen my stiff fingers... Me. Now. Strong for War. Plain in thought. Write a command and i will complete it with my life!

GOD!!! RELEASE ME FROM THE TIE OF ARMY!!!! I AM SICK!!! SO SICK! AHHHhhh!!!!! MY BRAIN IS WASHED BEYOND RECOGNITION!!! THE COLOUR IS NOT FADED BUT THE COLOUR IS GONE!!! WHITE WASHED BRAIN!!!

Hiaz... NExT WEEk I will BE slamming myself on the floor Real hard till i vomit blood! That is what ARMY call Close Combat trainning.. Thank God it is just for 2 weeks slamming and flipping each other. Haha!

Mentality: Never think of surviving... Insurance will be paid to your family... God is waiting in heaven... "To die is Gain"! But never to die purposely, that will be suicide. God will protect me so i know i won't die so easily.

No paradox but a weakness strengthened by Faith in my God!

... God i Love You and that is true! I can say it so freely cuz U Love me too! I can Shout! " I Love You JEsus!!!" I can tell everyone i love you!!!

Think again.. If you love someone and cannot tell... Agony within is Great!

ANYONE KNOWS? God does. Everytime i see *er, to yell within my heart is all i am restricted to.. 720++days i live through it the same. God tell me what to do, i will wait for you God. Answer me when you will. My heart hides the word.. "I love you!" OK i know i do love her and there is nothing anyone can do about it even i can't do anything about it... to forget i will commit it to God and throw away and destroy everything that reminds me of her... to do tat i will destroy myself first! I will never do that... haiz... ok ba just keep this as a beautiful memory. Tats all i can do. God you hear me.. Comfort me for your love alone surpass all i need.