Hi there again! i am back! Whoo!

Hey! I really love to write diaries now.
It is a girl's thing. No, i like it. No one can say i am wrong. No one can say i am weird.
No one can ever tell me bad things!!

First up! Mutant Metabolism! X treme!!!

My family is born with a special talent of mutant metabolism rate!
Imagine a diet like this...
Milk,bread and 2egg white, duck rice, salmon rice, 2 subways and end it with milk and some snacking in between and supper.
5 big healthy meals a day and a supper... tats 6 big healthy meals.
And i am slimming down!!! Incredible!
LOL! This must be a joke! No.
But i feel damn healthy.
I think it is the sleep... sleep early :)

So i have found another talent in me,

Tml is IPPT day!
And yes i am totally going to on full power and tats it... i will certainly drop 2kg after that.
No choice... With great power comes great sacrifice.

How to lose weight?

For those who are looking for a method to slim down...

Eat 3 healthy meals a day and do something that keeps your brain in caffein mode without the use of caffein... like blogging... LOL!

Exercise X treme... not slow jog... just run like escaping from hell for 5 minutes a day.

Hallucinate and Constantly remind yourself that someone is trying to kill you... that will keep your heart pumping fast.

Develop an OCD habit like... washing clothes again after taking them out of the washing machine... Be an extreme perfectionist.

Adopt a nasty baby! Preferbably cry all day.

Be a teacher. The more students under your care the better.

Join a gang. I don't know why but most ah lians are thin.

Ride a turkey.

Marry a poor man. If you are a man... stay poor.

Ok.. sleep baby sleep. Stop craping.

Monster,

Monster truck pull solo.
I need to construct a Monster out of rubbish Metal and I have to play it like a monster.

Monster!!!!



How now???!


Maybe i should lie on the stage with my toy cars.



and...




BAM!!! BAM!! BAMMM!!!! LOL!!!

That will be so cute.
I will graduate NAFA with a medical cert.

Cannot sleep

Unload my brain now.
I declare. If i play drums after 10pm, i won't be sleeping for the whole night.
But the lesson today is great. If i write it down here, i might get to sleep.
I am going to master these,
1. RLRR LLKK LLKK RRLL
2. alternating 24th grooves with L hand start.
3. RKKK with stick spins
4. create some 48ths.

Ok. Today i am happy i got broke my record of 200bpm and got 220bpm.
I hope people get inspired and want to be like me.
I am a fast drummer. Well i hope i can be professionally fast and musical.

I realised a training tip. Is to train as short a time as possible... with all your heart.
And eat alot!!!
to grow that muscle. You will not grow fat.
If you really grow fat... then you will understand why all fat drummers drum faster than i do.

I talked to Jiin today. She is funny... everyday! XD!!!

If i have a dream.
I will wake up.
If i wake up,
I will day dream.

If i am happy today,
I will be happy tomorrow,
If i am happy tomorrow,
I will give all my wealth to charity and donate my organs to hospital.

If i am alive i will do my best before i die,

If i am a butterfly i will eat butter and fly

If i am a sheep i will look for Mary to marry her little lamb.

If i am a lamb chop i will never know it.

Curry

No food for 30 mins


The black Nann. And black chicken.

Curry

U eat north Indian Buffet with Kun Jian and Wee Siang today.

The curry was hot.
But Kun and Wee say it is not hot. U thought they were lying.
They thought you were lying. It is very hot.
Anyway Kun say it is like saying eating apple is hot. LOL!

The curry comes in Green Yellow and Orange.
And the Chicken comes in Black(seriously), Green, Red, Orange and blue.
The Prata, they call it Nann is actually a very burt piece of prata.
I asked the waiter for more Nann, and i say i want it less Black.
The waiter looked surprised.. so i repeated.. less black.. Nann.
The waiter say ok.

Wee Siang then told me that Black is a very sensitive word to use in a indian restaurant.
I think i got it.
But then the nann still come back even Blacker this time!!! -_-lll
I gave up. I guess they don't know what i meant by less black.

Today U ate every 2 hours. Good job. U did it :) You like it.

And tomorrow is the Drummer's challenge. My speed is 200 flat.
If i win the 100 dollars.
I will treat my good friends to buffet.
Tuesday is IPPT. If i get 200dollars.
I will treat my good friends to buffet.

Dummy.
As the days pass, i get stronger, i get dumber and i get happier.
Today i helpped my mom pull a cork out of a very old wine bottle it was easy with my strength.
I always leave my card in the practice room and i always have to kick open the door.
I always kick once and the lock will snap! But must be smart to know that no one is around when i do that... especially the indian security guard.
I also getting less lonely, i am in fact, looking for more friends to play with.
But they still think i am strange. I just go back and take out my pencil and draw.

I would call this stage of my life: I miss u.
I miss u and a and b and c and d. But especially u. Sometimes i miss Y.
I always wonder why everybody loves U, me too.
Sometimes i think i love Mi. Do re mi the Mi. Then maybe it is a colour i will remember.
Orange.
I don't like to eat orange though. But i eat if i have to.
And i got a good memory of the first movie i watched when i was in my mommy's womb...
I could see flashings of red colour and hear explosions... I think it is superman.
And when i grew older i like Flash.. because he is Red too.
Then i remember the orange ball i used to put in my mouth...
on that ball is a word... i forgot.
I miss this toy train that i bought from night market...
It has many tracks.. and i don't know why my brother don't let me touch... Only after i grew older then i realised i broke it in my fustration that it does not move.
I broke a Cassette tape too because it does not play... i remember hitting the play button so hard that the tape fell out. My mom told me that... and i remember... i don't admit.
I like to hide under the table and paint my bread with colour ink and i will eat them... some even taste bitter... I remember i miss eating pizza thats why i do it.
And i had a barbie doll which i tore apart because i thought the hands were in wrong position... but i put the head into the arm's position and the legs on the other arm.. LOL!! I love that.
And i like them naked and disembodied, i don't know y. Now i know why. LOL!
I think i am perverted and might become a serial killer oneday.
I miss my childhood. I wish i was there again.

Is she crazy?

Ok she treats me as a friend.
she says hi.
She says i miss you.
Then she say just teasing me
she says show me a photo of a ghost.
She show me a photo of herself with a terrible hair.
I freak out and never reply.
She say "sorry my bad."
Then she log off.
Wad is on her mind? Tell me ladies.
I m starting to lose interest in her.
Will she be sad i am ignoring her like that?

I m on bus.

147.

I m sleepy n going home from school.
I practiced a little but hard.

raining outside e window.

everyone is lookin out. I also.
Just yesterday, i realised i was dreaming n i gave up i told myself to wake up. Playing God is not my thing.

NEXX! but raining. I dont like e cinema. The screen is half of normal cinema.

Ahhh! Boring boring bori. ing.
Maybe i should just comeon...
chill.
i m thinking of elim n yee k in hong kong.
I m a little excited bout e new church.
thinking of wee siang n kun why we frens so long.
thinking of dinner. I feel like shitting.
excited i m reachin home.
Hahahaha! Remb the clone photo yest.
Hahahahaha! A baby ate too much macdonalds.
Oh man... people r lookin at me. Don laugh now...
think of sad stuff. Hahahaha!
Get down now.

Now i m home. I dont want to go up.
Take bus to hg mall.
Now i m on 132.
This is getting boring... Y would i read this when i m old? Look for some adventure.
Thinking of dad. I want to drive bus when i grow up.
to e library. I just saw a dwaft.
mmm... wing chun. I wanna learn tat. Bruce lee! Woah!
ok get a boring book so i can read n fall asleep.
Ah! essential difference! How girls think. ok. tats enuf nonsense to blog.

Part 2: Home
LOL! WTH!!

I left home at 53kg.
Now i reach home and i am 55kg!
Ever stuffed a teddy bear till it bloat and become a Teddy Ball.
LOL!!! I love that! Hahahaha!!!
If ever i got a chance to go Build-A-Bear, LOL!! I will build a punching bag bear!!

I am going to say something that will hurt many...
I got no tummy!?
After eating 2kg of food in 1 day.
No tummy! Yeah! Make girls jealous. Only if i were a girl. :(

Must be the protein powder... I thought i would give it a try... LOL!! My brother is so going to kill me when he come back..."WHO Drank my protein powder!!!"....
Not me... not me... the powder evaporated. Laugh at him!!! Hahaha!
I am wrong... protein powder does helps to bloat you.

Well this is wad i ate...
1. Protein shake and milk and bread
2. Chicken rice + chicken
3. Subway chicken breast 1 foot.
4. Duck rice
Drink 2 bottles of lipton green tea.

There must be a balance in what we eat. Never eat too much or i will fall sick.

Species update.

Strange species new update.

Population count : 2

I don't wanna blog this...
but it could be a great post for future scientific research.

The question is... Is personality determined by Genes or by Environmental factors?

Here i found a speciment with almost identical birth conditions.
Born within first 3 days of Nov.
With 3 sibblings of the same gender, 2 older, 1 younger.
Lives near the equator and speaks asian english.

After a few sessions of integorration...
I classified the similarities as coincidences at first.
But it became really disturbing when the similarities were defying the rules of probability of entrophy or even deviating towards the end of the bell curve where coincidence is a false hypothesis.
Highly disturbing to even imagine such a creature exist...

My hypothesis was : Alien abducted one of us and produced a clone. Of course not. How can that be -_-lll

My hypothesis was : The 3rd child of a 4 sibblings family usually fits a certain set of qualities that i am not really sure which are the ones.

This is serious matter and i could be the next nobel winner if this research is carried out full blown... but then i will need to locate more speciments in asia and do a case study. This will take decades to even begin... so i have decided i wish someone steal this idea and brings it further. Please honour me for the avant garde discovery.

Sometimes i wonder to myself if i am a psychotic patient with interesting hallucinations of being a scientist's assistant and even starting my own practice if i am able to raise the funds and manpower. If this day ever happens... i will focus on a few major topics...

1. Human consciousness.
2. Human's lucid concept of time and the subconscious concept.
3. Time travel.
4. Sushi.

Sushi

Today i ate lunch with my 2 good old buddies Wee Siang and Kun Jian.
Dim sum... and it cost 26 dollars each!!!
Less than 12 plates of dimsum.
Very expensive.
I will not go there again.
And i was still hungry.

Again today i ate sushi dinner with my old friend kun jian.
I ate 17 plates including 8 plates of salmon sushi.
And total both of us paid 26 dollars and i was full.
I will go there again.

I realise a strange habit... they keep asking me why i keep ordering Ha Gao??
I say because i like Ha Gao so i eat Ha Gao... 3 trays only ma.
They say nothing else.

Then kun say why i keep taking unagi sushi and scallop sushi?
I say because i like so i eat lor.
So out of the 17 plates all are Unagi, Scallop and 8 plates of Salmon.

I am happy i found out more about myself today.
If i like to eat something, i will just eat the same thing.

The Each a cup auntie also can recognise me because i always order the same thing...
I am happy she has got good memory,
I love to walk up to Each a cup and just nod my head and pay. Don't even need to speak.
But i smile and flirt with her LOL!

I love to do the things again and again.
And i remember when my brother was young and was in his cradle watching teletubbies,
And at the ending when the Baby Sunshine is going down the hill...
Hahahaha!!! I will cover the Baby sun and my baby brother will Cry
and when i remove my hands, he laugh!
And i cover and he cry!
And i remove... he cry again... cuz the sun has already set.
I wish i can find a youtube of it.
I am mildly psychotic but LOL!! my parents were not around!!!
Hahahaha!!!! So fun! I miss bullying baby.

HERE!!! Hahahahaha!!!! Hahahaha!!!!

Working out

I think i got a theory.

I always hates chemicals and the whey protein powder my brother bought gives me a motivation to prove him wrong.

Muscle grows naturally when you need them to
not when you take protein and workout.

And genetics plays a part too.. asians usually gets more tone than bulky.
We got the speed and endurance while the big monsters got the power.

So i will rather go for practical muscle usage than for the looks.
But if practical muscle usage is made so extreme and maybe impractical, tats where size comes in.
Of course don't starve. Or else POW will be your new name.

Here is my theory:

The brain will never accept what it thinks is wrong. But its fluidity will transform your body only if you give the right input.

Workout in a relaxed manner and condition your muscle to perform in its proper natural technique. Wrong technique is something that is sloppy and not focused... this is hard to explain. ( e.g. if you want to do push ups, Do real professional push ups slow and steady, relaxed and focused... I really hope i find the right words to express this intangible idea one day.)

No external weight is necessary, find creative ways to support more body weight. There is always a reason why out legs are more muscular than our arms.

And... no one will buy my idea. Critics are many. I stay strong.

How bad can someone hurt you without knowing it???

I like a girl.

But, the girl don't feel the same.
(I really hope the story ends here... no... it gets more and more exciting!!!!)

I wouldn't like her if she had not responded is a way i would misunderstand... Ok now i get it but... she just can't understand that it is not easy to forget her. And I need time to adjust.

Ok we are friends.

I don't want to be too close to you.
Basically i am ignoring you.

But...
You keep looking for me now and then
because you need some help
So.
I help you as a friend :)
I am starting to hurt just when you say ok.. tats it.. bye bye.

You are bored so we went out for a night...
and hear you talk about how you miss a guy you like.
I thought that hurts... ok... I listen and yea... i know you like him... so can you leave me alone?!!

When you asked me whether anyone will like you...
I said there is surely someone who like you... and i talk of your goodness
and,
You said no.. no one like you.
And I am just a kind OLD man
This really fuels burning sensation on my wound.... Let me DIE!!! GO AWAY!!!

No one was free to support your competition
So i went to gave you support.
You asked me to take a video of you so i did.
CLIMAX!!!!
""!!!!!!!Then you ask me to secretly take a photo of that guy you like!!!!!"""""
I almost did.
JUST don't do such thing to me please!!!

Anyone understand how painful it is and how hard it is to bear such torture from a seemingly innocent girl.

Ok.. you got into finals and everyone is congratulating you..
Me too... And You look sad...
Why??
Becuse the guy you like did not get in.
So now the guy come and console you!!! You got in???!!!
So I am really lost.. just leave me alone from now on...
I am really brokened, sprinkled with vinegar and burnt with acid.

All these would be simplier only if... i don't like you.
It would be really easy.
But Why did i like you lei?
Beats me to find the answer... why did i like you in the first place?
Why can't i "don't feel anything" for you?
I don't feel anything for all other girls... mm... except one in JC. Tats really history and she was kind enough to handle it well. Thanks for that.
Why can't you just leave me alone?
Why can't i just ignore you? Why do i always answer your call and reply your sms? I can't bear not to do it. But i did ignore many people including my most respected figure... sad to say i am irresponsible TTM!

Wads my plan?
Give it to God will be the best answer.
But... I mean...
I like you... but i don't want myself to like you... can that be controlled??
I never even think of liking you or fantasize of having a girlfriend...
I don't want a girl friend!!! But i like you?
It is now that i wonder if i am schizophrenic?

So... give what to God???
God if you were to know this I would want you to understand that...
Yes i understand how it feels now when You like me so much... yet i just look for you when i need you... or even tell you about other idols in my life. What a pain... i know i know... so is it time you remove this "liking" or what chemicals causing me to "like" her? A feeling of crush that won't leave me... That!!! Is what i think you have put in me to share your pain... I know i know... but it is really too much for my inexperienced heart. Thanks if you reply fast. That will be greatly appreciated.. in fact i will love you :) I mean i actually had forgotten you to be honest... but deep in me i know you are always doing something for me when i need you... and i label you just as a "friend"... What a torture.... Yea yea i know.. I am sorry.

strange species

Now i am really running alot and eating alot.. 2 portions per meal and 4 meals a day.

I think this is the feeding habit for my species.

Diet: Prefers meat and vege. Basically swallows whatever falls into my mouth.

Habitat: Spent many hours in small spaces but requires long distances to release the extremely large amount of starch intake afterwhich falls into a premature hibernation.

Character: Not very sociable but sociable when i need to be sociable. Very tame. Will not attack unless provoked. Fatally violent when irritated. Has inclination to stab you with drumsticks at the most extreme irritated state!

Sound: Hardly talk.

Size: Infant stage looks pathetically small... but at adulthood.. still look just as small. This sounds really wrong but I mean height and weight... LOL!

Speed: Very fast moving for something this size.

Qualities: Has a tendency for repetitve motion like hitting things with sticks. And possess highly ambidexterious skills in 4 limbs sometimes 5 if you include the head as one brainless limb. OMG! That sounds like starfish Patrick!

Colour: Comes in all colours but mostly spotted in white.

Currently existing: 1

To be wiped out due to the drastic changes of the earth and declining food resources and of course it will be a good news to celebrate. :)

LOL!!! I am so entertaining myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Running

It is really hard to forget what i dream of.

We were in a platoon and of course i know everyone of them. I was assigned to pair with Frankie. The mission? I really do not know and i just feel that Frankie knows.

Then Captain Edward... or Edwin.. i can't remember his name... but he is a old man. Got a scar on his face, blue iris. He is crazy and started scolding the platoon and i have no idea what he is trying to say. I just know that he is not very happy. Sometimes when i meet him i will hear people call him sergeant? I thought he was captain??

Well then change scene, i was in the new pixel uniform with frankie. And we were at a very dense forest... but it was beautiful!! There were actually tracks to walk.. This is the 1st time i walk on this track so i followed frankie! It was really wet and muddy though.

Then we ended up in a shopping centre and i remembered that i forgot my lunch so i wanted to look around for something to eat... but most shops were closed.. Yes!!! I went around and it was a School! I saw Hua Zhi who is studying there. I don't know what school is that but as i climb up the stairs that looks like NAFA backdoor stair i ended up in a Concert hall! And there were many people around and they were recording a music. I wonder what they are playing... they were actually holding strange big things. Well i just made 3 careful steps and i was at the end of the hall. I thought my footstep was going to be in the recording.

At the end of the hall, i went down a flight of stairs again. Then I saw the Sign on the Board... Very big sign... "Singapore.. I.. management" Something like that... i keep looking at it cuz Hua zhi keep blocking my view. But i Thought i saw SIM but i am not sure. Anyway i heck care. Wait a minute... I always like to check with reality.. perhaps i should ask Hua zhi where he is studying, but i lost contact with him :(

Then when i went down, Frankie and i started running again. This time... no track.. Frankie was running through the thick forest with many humps and holes and We were actually going through a mud pool!! I care less.. i just follow... Wow.. still long way to go... i mean my dream. Don't ask me how i remember the details ok.. i really don't know why too, if only i can remember this well in real life.

Then as we were reaching a green patch of grass, we saw a tall building and tourists were surrounding it... We started climbing this narrow and steep and flat ground, it is like climbing a 70degree steep slope made of Dry sand. It is really high.. almost 5 storeys high. And we reached a end point where the tourist said that it is a dead end.. we waited very long and Frankie was resting at the corner of the wall. I followed. A guy went ahead and i heard Sawing sound then water dripping down.. We went ahead and realised that he had burst the water pipe and people were washing their hands!! Some were drinking! Then Yee Kei laughed and said to me "Hey Jiaxing why don't you go burst the Gas pipe too? Hahaha!"...
And don't ask me where Yee Kei come from.. She was part of the tourist group.

WE went ahead and i heard people shouting that the water is going no more so hurry up! It is a beautiful garden where the water flow to. Flowers and trees and just beautiful.. i really cannot describe. Then we went into a monastry.. It is really errie!! There were idols all around and the floor was Damn.. Disgusting!! I went around the house to see.. and at the back of the house was a store room... there were stone sculptures and Frankie pointed out a dead rat that was still twitching... But strange enough i was not disgusted. And many dead bodies all around!

Then they went ahead. I was checking something out but i don't know what, but then i ran after them... I lost Frankie! But i look around and saw a door that was going to close... it was closing... i ran and squeezed through it and my leg was about to be squashed by the door.. i tugged and pulled and i ran up the stair. Poom.. the door shut. Oh man.. it is another opening... we explore around, then the lights went off.. the show was going to start. We were suddenly in a movie theatre. And the lights were coming from the front.. shinning on the stage. I took the nearest seat and Frankie was pressing his smooth cheek against my.. i just pushed away. Right in front was an old man... i have a feeling we are all going to die.

I hate to say but i woke up.

The riddle for a pathetic guy

I...

I had a strange dream.
She slowly crept into my room and hid a treasure at the corner of my room.
I woke up and found that treasure chest lying right there but without a key.
I waited night after night that she will appear to hide the key.
But that night never happen.
There was a day when i woke up and found the chest empty.
I found her at the end of the stairs looking lost and sad.
She told me that her heart was given to the guy who knows how to open that chest.
I went home and stared at that empty box - once a treasure chest.
When i closed it i noticed a riddle carved at the back of the chest.
"I will open if you first open yourself to me."


Could it be worse?? Hahaha!! Lets make it worse.

I...

I had a strange dream.
She slowly crept into my room and hid a treasure at the corner of my room.
I woke up and found that treasure chest lying right there but without a key.
I waited night after night till the night i before i die.
I called lock breaking service and when they opened it they found a note.
"Happy Singles Day!"
Thats how i die.

Anyway.

As we grow older i guess we realise more things from making mistakes :)
I had made many but not yet enough, come hammer me! (still insane)

Imgaine the day when i was young and stubborn and i refuse to believe that being sad is a choice.
Being sad and quiet and insociable is a choice.
Thanks for the person who said that to me.. if you ever think i will forget about it...
no i remember every single word.

Some hypothesis

Well first my brother came out looking like me and now he is into time travelling just like i was. I really think he is my clone made by a friendly alien and he wants to take over the world! The only major difference is that he hates music. Emphasize "hate"!

Well then, thats enough to freak me out. And then he likes cycling and learnt it on his own out despite parents discouraging. This is bad. Perhaps the genes are really similar.

Well, nevertheless, then, even though... I realised a fact that the use of fanciful words are sometimes a way to cover the fact that i know very little but i am trying to say a lot from the little i know so that i seem to know alot. Well i hate that. If i know little i say little tats it.

And of course the 2 projects that i put on hold has resumed. The dream project is still on hold because personally i do not want to hold back my creativity. Some times.. all the time, dreams tell a wonderful story that i wake up and think to myself, "Whoo... I wish everyone can see what i just saw..."

Then the 2nd project of ambidexterity. Born with it? Or become a ambidexterous monster by mere daily activities?

I am a practical person who likes to test out hypothesis personally. Being really inferior compared to a real researcher who deals with brain activities mainly of the corpus or the motor and the critical thinking regions of the brain. However inferior, i guess i just want to find an answer to my question. :)

I am so glad i am a drummer which means whatever ambidexterous activity i practice is going to nail down my chops like "BaM!!" Nail down!

So here it goes as the project has been on hold for 1 year. I think the last post.. i can't remember... i was copying a few poems by unknown authors.. right on this blog.. i put a few pictures of my handwriting. And after which i do not know what's wrong, i did experience insomia where i see colours which can't make me fall asleep. And following that a period of depression which led me to where i am today. I can say. Could not be totally true.

When i started out with this programme again.. which is just writing, brusing, eating, drumming like a lefty, the effects seems to come back.

Depression led on by a series of insomnia. And i can say a few series of hyperactivity of the brain warining me that someone is trying to kill me. I would call Mania.

I think it is not easy to be me and i am slowly turning less sane still with an idea of a creator which i say is pathetic and i need to build that relationship before it breaks. Terrible of me.

Well, then i travelled back to a 5-6 years old me. And drew a few pictures of fishes and skating. I know that i have long forgotten how it would feel to want to grow up and not looking back and see how i wanted to stay there. Well, i am here now i would stay.

And perhaps a little hint of my deteriorating or deteriorating or detrioretating?? language skill which could be a lack of exposure or maybe a chemical change up there where i can't think without drifting like the "flashbacks" you get when you know you are going to die. Near death i think.

All these got nothing to do with my research. I think i need a plan. Thats what i said months ago. Anyway.. then this thing kicks in.. where i go RLRLRK RLK LRLRKK RLRLRR LRLRLL love it.

Ok, the good side of being what i thought i would not want to become but maybe i should stop it and yet i can't. Thats just what i think i need to do. So the good side is, finally i can really differentiate left from right very fast. Very fast! stuttering problems sometimes.. even when i teach... it just occured recently.. when i think too fast to speak.. and it is too frequent for me to express myself normally... so often that i think i didn't speak more that 100 sentences in a week. But well thank God i got hands to write.

That! is not depression!! That is not depression! Believe me. I am born to eliminate the need for voice. OH!!!! That why i see my little brother does not like to be in Choir!!! Just like me!!! Oh man.. some alien must have captured me to produce this freaky clone!!! Hahaha!

Well, the end of the day i don't know my time because my watch is always 25 minutes fast and i can't calculate fast enough to know the real time so i am actually quite lost in my time.

It is funny when someone ask me what time it is?? Then i stare at my watch seeing 12:23. Then i stare back at them like an idiot... and say... 12... 12... mm... 11.. *use some finger maths... Before i can tell them the answer... they look at my watch themselves and say Thank you. I didn't suppose they need to know the answer, but i hope they find out.

Better get going for skating with edna and weenie. Today is going to be hectic... I always amaze myself with many appointments up in my head without a schedule but then i can't remember names. LOL! I think that what primates are made to do.. know when to do what but they don't have names. Ever seen a monkey calling another monkey "Hey monkey!"... "You calling me? Monkey? Yes? Are you monkey?"... "pass me a banana!"... "here!" ... "Thanks!"... Want some cheese? Come on.. monkeys don't talk. Give me a break will you.

Ok. off you go man.. see you later.

This is really terrible!

Oh God! Oh my God!!! I feel utterly terrible!!

When someone you love so much don't miss you. God i understand.
It is really a nightmare God!

When i just finished skating... when i just do... when i just was going home.
A message from monster :" Do i have any qualities that boys will like me?"

What the heck!!! I Don't want to answer you please!! Please give me a break!
When someone you like does not like you but is seeking you when they are sad and then ignoring you when they are happy. I am really broken God! Just let her disapper please.
Ahh. I really don't like this feeling. Let me go sleep.

bad Memories, holidays

I think this is going to be a long post.

The writer in me is exploding to manifest but i must control it with my thoughts and feelings.
Basically it has been a long time since i post anything for further reference. And it is always true that when i re-read them they seem a little childish than who i am now. But then again... Feelings sometimes makes me illogical and can't think. These are the times that i need to realise and remedy in case i make the same mistakes.

Past 3 months are a heck of real tough times... and a heck of real emotional times... less of a heck of depressing monents... also less of high moments too.

Tough times struggling through the modules and passing my test.. Thank God i did pass. And will never forget my promise "to God be the glory". But i really do not dare to say it among my friends.. i think i am either shy or i am just not used to it. Just like i don't say Amen in classroom. Anyway tough time produce tough beef. LOL!

Emotional times are things old as well as new. Similar dejavu of what happened 2 years ago is happening.. but then from my experience.. there is only one way out... "move on". Ok.. in case i might forget if i read this as a 80 years old half blind and totally deaf man... i will not encode too much. And for anyone who read i hope it is entertaining :)

If i were a monster. I would be a nice monster. Anyway, i have started drinking ipoh white coffee in the morning.. and i really think i like it. Somedays they run out and there are other coffee available but i only look for Ipoh white coffee. What a coffee monster i am. I thought it was really having some effects in cheering up me up and making me more energetic. Even at night i would dream of drinking coffee. LOL! But then again... i am wrong again.

There are many people who drink the same coffee but got different effects.. some get more energetic, some get tired, some get hooked. I am really curious which category i fall under. I would often react with caution. But then the response i get is most often positive.

Then it comes a raining day and i dropped my cup of coffee. I starts to flow away and some of it stainned my white shirt. I try to clean it off but the smell and the colour is still there. I thought i can wash it off. Anyway, i am really hurt thats the point.

Now in my dream, i only dream of spilling this coffee and seeing it flow off with the rain water. I have tried to wash the stain but the stain inside my head will never fade off completely. I think i need a small impact to knock off that section of briancells. Even then, my heart says something else. I guess i fall under the category of being hooked.

Then come a day we go to a beach. A scene suddenly flashes back 5 years ago. She started telling me of the guy they love. Well it started to hurt then... but how would she know. I think i should not be there... I Should not be there. I have been there 5 years ago with the same thing happening. And i made a wrong decision. Yes i did. Anyway whatever i do.. the ending will never be as beautiful as what you want it to be. It is like the final conclusion of the film "butterfly effect". I chose to kept quiet then.

Anyway the hardest thing in this life is to cause things to happen. It is very very obvious even to a self pronounced Asperger's like me that she actually don't need me around. Well things get better at first when i decide to write my experience down as a form of outlet to a non emotional body. Then i realised that the poison has gone too deep and this often happens to me by God's grace that i do not get involved in physical dangers like playing with knives which i think i might kill myself. Anyway... the poison is now affecting me.

Well... as that other girl once said... bla bla bla bla and bla bla bla.. and things does get better. We do not have to worry to cause things to change.. but.. perhaps someone care more very high upstairs and wants something more beautiful to happen :) Well... Allswell

Keep it going

I feel that many things i have seen happening i have seen it happen before and i reacted the same.

I know i need to go church tomorrow.

I know i need to be there to sit at one corner to say "Amen" then pray some prayers, and then eat lunch and go home.

:) I know when i go church tomorrow i will see many people rejoicing and meeting each other with happy greetings! "Hey! Hows you been doing!"
"Hey long time no see!"

It must happen at least to the best that i can imagine.
It will be a really nice meet up to hear God's words and worship whole heartedly.
It will be great to cheer each other up and ask about the happenings in life.
It will be great to hear testimonies about God working in our lives.

It is easy to be around happy people. And it is tough when you are sad and people don't like to be around you.

It is hard to restrict the things i want to say.

When you really think that no one understand you. You are wrong... they understand you but in the way that they understand you if you were them.
When you really think that no one cares for you. You are wrong... Everyone cares for you as much as you care for them.
When you really think that no one likes you. You are wrong... Everyone loves you as much as they can express in their own ways.
When you really think that no one cares to ask how you are. You are wrong... Everyone wants to know how tragic your life has been so they will feel happier. Joking.
When you really think that everyone is ignoring you. You are wrong... that is a wall not a person.

I am a happy man now well rested from church. Tomorrow i am going to Church again! And perhaps the next injection of depression will send me away for good. Not to other churches but to a convert.

And certainly, it is inevitable and nothing can be done and no one will ask why and i will have no reason why.

Blisters

learning my four mallet grip i think it is called steven's griP.
Time to buy a glove. It is basically painful.
I m tired.
I drink Coffee.
Brooke is a Coffee monster!
Brooke is a monkey!
Brooke is a 5 years old baby!
Brooke is a Drumhead!

I am a little crazy on somedays.