*THUNDER*
Flashback...
When was this first love? That gentle voice, that gentle hug, all those valuable lessons learnt ... How can I forget all that You have done for me?
Elim: "Do you love Him?"
Flashback...
When i was sad... who comforted me? When i was wrong... Whose thunderous voice reminded me? When i was weak... who held me by the hand and led me on? How can i forget how You were always there for me?
Elim: "Do you love Him?"
Me: "... Yes ..."
Questions rang through my head... "still love Him?"...
Me: "... But... ... " ( i felt there is something amiss in my YES)
My love is uncertain... unclear... but i'm certain God always loves me.
This is a question which is somewhat humanly impossible to answer "YES" without boundless faith. Yes you love God now but will you still love Him in time to come? You love Him but will you still love Him forever?
If I ask God... Do you love me?... the answer will be YES.
If I am asked... Do you love God?... Never can i answer on the spot, let my life be the answer...
Oh God please teach me.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Thursday, May 18, 2006
changing
No one is perfect... quite negative har... how about "Everyone is special."
Today i saw a special group of people on bus 854. They are students from a special school-- for the mentally slow and extremely pure and innocent people. Then i got a stupid idea... what if people were all like this... would there be less corruption? Haha. Of course it is a stupid idea. Satan will still do his work among us.
Sometimes, i feel i am thinking too much... when you really care alot on how people will think of you and judge you, you are just creating a prison for yourself, limiting yourself. Image. Thinking back, there are so many things i can do but i did not. And there are so many things i don't want to do but i did. All to please people around me. And after a while, i realised my life is going hay wired.
But it is different if i aim to please God everyday, every minute, every second. My life seems more in place, every thing just come out right. That's the purpose i'm designed for, that's the purpose of His creation. World is changing and so hard to conform. Sometimes i try to love everyone but some will just suspect me and reject my love. But still i will love. Just like, no matter how much God loves me and his love never change, there will always come a point where i suspect him... how evil of me har. And i realise how it hurts...
God, i love you i don't wanna hurt you. That's what i really want to mean in my life everyday. Really thank God so much for teaching me how to love in this ever changing world.
Today i saw a special group of people on bus 854. They are students from a special school-- for the mentally slow and extremely pure and innocent people. Then i got a stupid idea... what if people were all like this... would there be less corruption? Haha. Of course it is a stupid idea. Satan will still do his work among us.
Sometimes, i feel i am thinking too much... when you really care alot on how people will think of you and judge you, you are just creating a prison for yourself, limiting yourself. Image. Thinking back, there are so many things i can do but i did not. And there are so many things i don't want to do but i did. All to please people around me. And after a while, i realised my life is going hay wired.
But it is different if i aim to please God everyday, every minute, every second. My life seems more in place, every thing just come out right. That's the purpose i'm designed for, that's the purpose of His creation. World is changing and so hard to conform. Sometimes i try to love everyone but some will just suspect me and reject my love. But still i will love. Just like, no matter how much God loves me and his love never change, there will always come a point where i suspect him... how evil of me har. And i realise how it hurts...
God, i love you i don't wanna hurt you. That's what i really want to mean in my life everyday. Really thank God so much for teaching me how to love in this ever changing world.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
time speaks
Today watched a very touching documentary about a beautiful gal who got disfigured by her husband, however she continued to live her life with the love of God in her heart.
Pondering... never understand why and how such great anger comes about... never understand why money gives happiness. Then suddenly think about family. I suddenly wonder if i will love money as time goes on...and when i start a family. But now i always feel i have enough...unless i am asked for money... haha:D so blessed.
Feeling very sad every time i hear about money... made a mistake for trying to help my fren... realising now that i cannot solve everyone's problem. Gave a huge sum of my saving for my fren's job promotion as a sales girl then now realising that all she want is... "more money equals more happiness." Btw she is just my junior that's all. That was long time ago... and i realised my dad keep nagging about it... he say he did rather gamble it away than to do such stupid thing. I was wrong too- not seeking if it is God's will to do such a thing even though it is not wrong to help... Saul's incident.
Although i'm aware that my bank account had been emptied... no big deal... can't i still have happiness? Haha. Have la... cuz i still have God who gave me angels to supply my needs. How wonderful.
Then... I felt sad when i realised that almost all girls like rich husbands. Then that is when i give up on bgr. How fake. Wife turns ugly, husband change of heart. Husband turns poor, wife change of heart. However, ugly women or poor guys, God still loves them.
Nearing the age of family planning, but how many are matured enough. marriage=life long commitment. I'm certain i'm still not ready, till i really am commited to love God as He loves me. Haha... wondering if it is too far i think. People change too. Then 2 days ago my jie told me... girls might change from gentle to fierce... then i ask what if i marry fierce girl, will she turn gentle? Haha.. childish me. Fierce will remain fierce... that's my jie's philosophy. Empty talk la.
Then as i think i suddenly remember what Pastor Patrick preached about... for real love, time will determine. As time goes on the passion will grow... God decide.
How long have i kept this from everyone... shouldn't keep it from Jesus. How can i hide it from His eyes. I'll pray about it. Haha. I guess i always give an impression of a small boy who knows nothing more than to nod to instructions and to smile worries away...
Pondering... never understand why and how such great anger comes about... never understand why money gives happiness. Then suddenly think about family. I suddenly wonder if i will love money as time goes on...and when i start a family. But now i always feel i have enough...unless i am asked for money... haha:D so blessed.
Feeling very sad every time i hear about money... made a mistake for trying to help my fren... realising now that i cannot solve everyone's problem. Gave a huge sum of my saving for my fren's job promotion as a sales girl then now realising that all she want is... "more money equals more happiness." Btw she is just my junior that's all. That was long time ago... and i realised my dad keep nagging about it... he say he did rather gamble it away than to do such stupid thing. I was wrong too- not seeking if it is God's will to do such a thing even though it is not wrong to help... Saul's incident.
Although i'm aware that my bank account had been emptied... no big deal... can't i still have happiness? Haha. Have la... cuz i still have God who gave me angels to supply my needs. How wonderful.
Then... I felt sad when i realised that almost all girls like rich husbands. Then that is when i give up on bgr. How fake. Wife turns ugly, husband change of heart. Husband turns poor, wife change of heart. However, ugly women or poor guys, God still loves them.
Nearing the age of family planning, but how many are matured enough. marriage=life long commitment. I'm certain i'm still not ready, till i really am commited to love God as He loves me. Haha... wondering if it is too far i think. People change too. Then 2 days ago my jie told me... girls might change from gentle to fierce... then i ask what if i marry fierce girl, will she turn gentle? Haha.. childish me. Fierce will remain fierce... that's my jie's philosophy. Empty talk la.
Then as i think i suddenly remember what Pastor Patrick preached about... for real love, time will determine. As time goes on the passion will grow... God decide.
How long have i kept this from everyone... shouldn't keep it from Jesus. How can i hide it from His eyes. I'll pray about it. Haha. I guess i always give an impression of a small boy who knows nothing more than to nod to instructions and to smile worries away...
Sunday, May 07, 2006
I'm back
Time flies huh... Looks like i have stopped blogging for a quite few months. Haha... I'm BACK!
Wa... really THank God for a place in NUS in BioEngineering. Previously i tot i was going to be a nurse one day... after a interview in nursing... Haha.. and i answered the interviewers stupidly... that's the result when you don't seek God to help ya! HAha... Too embarassed to tell anyone what i answered. HAha. ( donno why i feel like a clown nowadays... every answer i gave seems like a joke) SO... I just drift around and just let God steer me to where i nid to go. He close and open doors and then close and then open doors for me and... I was quite lost at first but DOnno is it my hack-care attitude... i don't really worry much about what i will do in future. Not a good thing to model... brothers and sisters out there... pls do not adopt this attitude i have cuz i have bin prayin hard... beli hard.. that within this year i wanna 2B diff. no more old JX... But one with a character like My besT Fren... My saviour.
Btw... watched MI2 yesterday and Haha... Great movie. Tom looks like one of my officer in camp.. haha. Very excitin movie... but all the operations are too smooth 2B humanly possible. haha. and the wepons pop out from nowhere and haha... when Cruise was asked how many rounds left 2 kill... he said enuf... Wa I tot alot man... then He shot 1 and killed... and haha... "I finished mine too" cool.
However, there is 1 thing i am worried about. My intellect seems to be plunging. Soldiers are not supposed to think. I was being told one day. Haiz.. well, too bad. If that's how they define discipline, i have got no power to defy authority. Cuz they emphasized again and again, Insubordination can be charged. And u know- GUARD DUTY! Ahh! Thank God that this month i will have no guard duty so... Haha... HAha!!! Freedom!!! I'm free!
Oh no... I really nid to spend more effort on my quiet time nowadays ... words = sleeping pills. Really nid to pray hard for the passion...
Wa... really THank God for a place in NUS in BioEngineering. Previously i tot i was going to be a nurse one day... after a interview in nursing... Haha.. and i answered the interviewers stupidly... that's the result when you don't seek God to help ya! HAha... Too embarassed to tell anyone what i answered. HAha. ( donno why i feel like a clown nowadays... every answer i gave seems like a joke) SO... I just drift around and just let God steer me to where i nid to go. He close and open doors and then close and then open doors for me and... I was quite lost at first but DOnno is it my hack-care attitude... i don't really worry much about what i will do in future. Not a good thing to model... brothers and sisters out there... pls do not adopt this attitude i have cuz i have bin prayin hard... beli hard.. that within this year i wanna 2B diff. no more old JX... But one with a character like My besT Fren... My saviour.
Btw... watched MI2 yesterday and Haha... Great movie. Tom looks like one of my officer in camp.. haha. Very excitin movie... but all the operations are too smooth 2B humanly possible. haha. and the wepons pop out from nowhere and haha... when Cruise was asked how many rounds left 2 kill... he said enuf... Wa I tot alot man... then He shot 1 and killed... and haha... "I finished mine too" cool.
However, there is 1 thing i am worried about. My intellect seems to be plunging. Soldiers are not supposed to think. I was being told one day. Haiz.. well, too bad. If that's how they define discipline, i have got no power to defy authority. Cuz they emphasized again and again, Insubordination can be charged. And u know- GUARD DUTY! Ahh! Thank God that this month i will have no guard duty so... Haha... HAha!!! Freedom!!! I'm free!
Oh no... I really nid to spend more effort on my quiet time nowadays ... words = sleeping pills. Really nid to pray hard for the passion...
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