Authentic

I love this old song.. Don't hear it at 3am though.

Craze

Aural exam?! How am i going to hear those things ting ting ting?
I think...
If i did badly, i will be in a simple class and i can improve later.
If i do something now i might be in a good class and deprove later.
If i do something now and continue doing something i might be able to stay good for the rest of my life.

And music history!
I felt as if a dead fall just collapse on me. A Giant one, 1000 years old dead fall.
I think...
If i let myself bleed in my fatalistic(thanks elim) thought, "nothing can be done" then i will die in this fatal crush brought about by fate on this staunch fatalist.
If i just take some time to memorise them.. i might be a good student.
If i am diligent enough to memorise them and review them and then do extra readings and research i might turn out to be the best student i can ever be.

If i were a fish, I wish i have no brains.
Since i am not a fish still i wish i have no brains.
Since i have brains i wish i have good brains.
Since i am a modern human with brains, i will use every corner of it no matter how big is my brian.
Perhaps it is as big as a swimming pool.. but the substance could be a mere half full 75ml can.
Again, I i ever wish i were a fish, i will go swimming.

Time to do spring cleaning

It is never too late to throw away.
But it is too late that it has to be thrown away.
Unless it is good.

Never tired of watching this.

I have been watching this many times now.
Not getting bored but so nice!

Gospel chops!

Oh man. These things makes me wanna play drums 1am at night.
1 word!

INSPIRING!

2nd consciousness

Today i had a 2nd chance to experience a conscious state in my dream.
I was walking on no idea what street was it.. then i just told myself "i am dreaming".
And there it happens again, an enlightenment as if someone had removed a blindfold. Too simple to be convincing, but it happened! LOL!

Here is my chance again!

Well, my intention as planned 2 days ago was to visit "someone" to have a nice chat.
I quicken up my pace on the streets and wanted to go take a bus.. then i realised.. i am actually not in the same world as i thought i am. That person don't exist here.

Feeling so lost i wanted to start my 2nd plan to dive into the sea and touch every fish.
Sadly.. it was a very strange city.. there was no water nearby, the people were all very young too.. i don't see any old people. The main thing is.. no sea! What a nightmare!

It is then when i feel the struggle to stay asleep. The noise from my table fan is starting to wake me up. My real senses are being aroused and my virtual senses fade away. Then still with my eyes closed, i felt myself lying on the bed again. Really sad.

Now i realised my intentions are limited to the things that exist in that scene.
So, the next time i get the chance, i will ask the people a question. Where am i?
And when i wake up i am going to compare it with reality, I am sure there are some parallels.

My english is getting Aloysius.. LOL. But it is this strange happenings that i wanna record down as accurately as i can.. really hope i can have a neuro-video camera.

Eureka! What's inside!

I was pondering upon my inability to socialize well. Doing research to find solutions. Perhaps a prayer will help. Then i realised the peace and revitalising presence by being alone.

Thats the point behind being an introvert. An introvert growing even more introvert!

It is just a joy watching the sunset with a personified object whatever it is. Surprised that it might even respond.

It all happened during these few months! The conditions were as such. My language ability was invaded my -- ... -.- ... . -.-. --- -.. . and perhaps some yut yu and the need to commit everything inside my head.

Whatever happened i never realised that i am withdrawing from the external. Instead i was pulled subconsciously into whats inside. Or to simplify.. I AM THINKING TOO MUCH USELESS THINGS!

Yesterday was not a waste. It was perhaps the moment when i could recollect and slowly reflect on what was going wrong with me. In fact nothing was wrong.

The conversation topics differ drastically. Teenage days, Old photos, food, sardine, mackerel?, Max, Faith, Guard duty, Chicken mayo sandwich?, Slide, poor service, jelly beans, paper money? chill, peppermint tea, "Are you memorising the menu again?!", no, spicy beef soup, spicy lotus root, $5 to play that thing, rotating flower?, dropping knife, gravity don't work sideways LOL, accidents?, liquor choco, Turkish delight chocolate bar, chop you up, 3 years old? bleeding finger, pen poke eyes!, dislocated right elbow!, stitches on ends of eyebrows, details too gross i do not want to reproduce, small cup, Is this garlic chilli?, guard duty over exhaustion till high, World cup, Korea, dream of stroke?, dreams of murder, snipers, mother dying, arm size syringes, horse vet, midnight movies LOL, pimple over night but not pimple, face cream, out going out for a run...

Recollections of my thoughts does not include any conscious ability to comment on any of these. Whereas i did recall thoughts about some topics discussed, the highlights include my fully conscious dreaming experience! Sharlene took some Polo sweets, Charmaine's favourite. too bad. Buying a box of after 8 for june 21. Have not bought yk the PVC tube. On top of these some questions about 5.80 Ti-Rum-misu? I thought the real spelling was Tiramisu. Oh man, how awfully tasting was my own tiramisu. Can't blame it when i have not eaten tiramisu b4. Much unrelated thoughts, how long am i going to train up my left leg, just playing along to the music in Macs, all of which i do not recognise. Why does Mac Mayo contain permitted colourings? Is mayo not naturally white? When am i going to learnt the songs i am going to play later tonight? Student's make up schedule.. my holiday is gone. Does human's consciousness differ in degrees? If so mine will be 50/50. How's vanessa, how's Charmaine? I should try to keep in touch soon. How should i practice my guitar if i left it at elim's house? Maybe i can just use classical guitar. If i tap a morse code could anyone hear?! LOL! Well, who can i talk about Glennis?

The conclusion? I need to vocalise my thoughts and not to seek from my limited pool of info inside me. Perhaps I might get curious stares but that does not mean i am strange just that i am not understood. So i can put it in simplier terms that perhaps some solutions or comments might be constructive. Well, to begin with i need to be sensitive to how i discuss my thought, if not i might be mistaken as out of my mind, which i really am?! Nevermind that, surely there are ways to comment.

e.g. You may recollect the scenes. courtesy of my haunting thoughts.
S: We are taking 858 right?
Y: No no no we are taking 969.(What she meant was 8+1, 5+1, 8+1)
S: Huh? What is she talking about?
E: Oh yes 969 goes to Tampanies.
J: silence...
And this is when i start to see creative improvistion on a given idea, which i suddenly thought of jazz improvistion, on the extent which intangible ideas can be made known by sounds. And how i want to understand them, but first i need to build up this vocabulary of jazz standards and also season my ears to the reactions of musicians given a certain "question". Perhaps it might work perhaps it might not work.
What do you think?

Now,

There are things happening physiologically that i might be finding hard to cope.

I have been there but i am just not half of what i use to feel.
A feeling that i have left part of myself in another world yet to be awakened.

I am growing so strange that i can't even explain. All i can assure with words that i don't even know i am certain.. i am ok.

Just the thought itself is scary. If anyone feel strange being around me.. don't worry, it is my problem. Even i feel strange just knowing that i am in existence. I should seek some counselling from my pastor. Perhaps i am too into the "I" that the whole world seems oblivious to me.

I realised i was too quiet when i went out with Sharlene, Edmund and Yee Kei. But, seriously nothing was in my head. No comments that i can offer. No topics that i can discuss. No feelings that i want to share. Empty. Perhaps i was a little saddened by being thin.

Perhaps i can eat much more. Hungry. Perhaps i am psychologically unstable right now.

Mind blowing!

This is definitly a new experience! I was dreaming and walking on the streets then i realised i am dreaming!!!

It all started when i threw a big tantrum in Elim's house when Yee Kei was playing with a perfume and it caught fire and she passed it to me to settle while everone just ignore me. I threw it downstairs and decided to leave that place. Then when i was taking the lift! Guess what i saw?

I saw a negro on a bike. And i said hi. Then i realised.. " I am taking a lift.. then there is a negro on a bike going into the lift?!" Where in the world does this take place?!
BEHOLD! This is when i became conscious! I am dreaming!

I started touching my skin.. It all feels so real.. And it was raining.. And i touched the rain.. It all felt so real.. dreams are actually so REAL!

Out of curiosity i started bumping into people and yes they realise my presence too!
And to test the limit when i held a young lady's hand, and yes it did felt like a young lady's hand, smooth like she had put tonnes of moisturizer. She was puzzelled then. Well it was understandable.

Before i could announce to everyone i am awake in my dream! I woke up!

Is this common?! No, this is not common to me.

The next moment this negro come up to me.. i am going to plan for a big event.
I am going to swim into the sea and touch every fish before i wake up.
I am going to ride a unicorn and jump off the unicorn!
I am going to gather a random group of friends from the streets and know them by name and i am going to come back to know them again just like the way i leave them.
I am going to visit a dear friend and have a nice chat which is not possible in reality.

What important things can you suggest to someone with the ability to have intentions in a dream?

Depression cycles

Maybe it is due to low self esteem. Maybe it is due to recurring negative thoughts. But whatever it may be, the feeling is an exponential dive to the deepest pit.

Perhaps to reflect in prevention of depression cycles.
The conditions if i never reproduce them then i can avoid them.

Very often it will happen:
1) AFTER a spur of confidence in my ability. A confidence that can bring me running across desert marathons right NOW!

2) AFTER a social gathering.

3) AFTER a short period of isolation.

I have yet to find any solution to prevent it.
And in such situation it is not a time to do it. It is not a time for anything at all.
It is not even a time to sleep. It is a time for restlessness.

I am actually a useless bump no matter how much i tell myself NOT to say that.
Actually if i were introduced to a beggar right now, i would see more meaning why he or she should Carry on living and not me.
And the ability to bring yourself right now to reflect, given this smashed self confidence is a miracle!

Give me 10 quality reasons you are a useless.
OK, i am sad and i am sad and i am so sad that i think i will make "you" so sad if a happier me is reading this again.
Where have the JOY of simply existing vanished to?
My existence really does not bring joy. Not to me or to anyone that wants to be around me if there is any.
Ok, now i see a simple thing. Social life. Lack of confidence when among people. Not matter young or old many or few.

What cause this? I am just unable to bring myself to not feel uneasy when people are around me. Y?

Please stop this. Think of the deepest reason that runs in your mind. I am not letting you go today unless you answer the last WHY that is the root of this problem.

Why don't you like yourself?
Because i don't have anything to give anyone that i meet. I cannot be of any help or even of any joy to be around.

mm.. Why do you want to give?
Because i want to see everyone happy. I do not want anyone to feel left out or anything. But then i also do not want to be a burden when my presence is not necessary.

Is there a time when you felt you have to be there?
I have to teach drums.. and i am an educator, i have to be there to filfill this responsibility.
I will even take a taxi down in order not to be late for a second.

Is there a moment when you think you think too much?
NOW!

When is your happiest moment?
YES! This is the moment when you take over me. And i disappear altogether.

I am here right now. When i see you so sad i know i am just resting to be unleashed.

But Why can't you just look inside yourself and recall all those memories when your neurones were less complicated and those nerves that fire are the happy ones? What have evolved in you this cycle to repeatedly fire depressing thoughts about you?

So what can i do? I can't make myself stop thinking. It is a conscious natural process. More natural than breathing.

Draw yourself to think good thoughts. Occupy yourself with good thought that either improves efficiency of thought or rewiring of network.

Whoever ask you to think so much?
You are distracting me and asking me so many questions that i can't stop a single second not to answer you. My biggest problem is the realisation of your existence, so real that it is not just a mirror reflection. You are always so strangely related to me more than an image of myself but a silhouette with the ability to communicate another string of thoughts.

The final question is my existence. Do you really think these thoughts clearly define me, or is it you?
You. Certainly it is you who have been so silent around me that i can't stay away from you.
Stay away!

Delay

Hypercreative brain - nonsense
As a bookworm i borrowed a book about hyper creative brain. It is nonsense, defining hyper creative people as a group of people with a psychological disorder where they have too many ideas beaming but never getting them done. But such ppl does exist and i call them lazy ppl.
And i am one of them.. i will have a sudden surge of ideas, then while i test it out, another idea comes. This cause me to start too many projects but in the end everything die prematurely.

The problem is a lack of focus and practicality.

..` .- -- ` ... --- ` ... - .-. .- -. --. . `

But, this is not the end of the story, what caught my attention was the idea of repetitive work. I thought everyone hate repetitive work. e.g, DATA ENTRY. But from the book i realised that, not many people will die doing it.. but there are a rare few who will kill themselves if they were given that job.

Finally my species are talking.

It relate so much to me and the book really point everything about me out in explicit details. I almost wonder why it did not find its way to top sellers if it were so enticing. But i do realise that it is not something anyone will enjoy.

How much more will a muscle dystrophic patient Read more about his condition than a healthy individual? So i guess this book does speak sense. With emotional highs and lows(depression). I sometimes wonder why i never see such thing happening in my friends, at least not that often. But i also do not want to be depressed, i just became depressed just like chameleon changes colour.

..` -- .. ... ... ` .--- ..- -. . ` ..--- .----`

So what am i going to do about it?
I know i need to kill the urge to embark on new journeys before i even complete the existing one. And i need God to put joy in my heart. But strangely i know when i am very happy today.. it is very likely that i will have a depression attack in the days to follow. Unless i stay around happy people.

. ...- . .-. -.-- --- -. . ` .. ... ` --. .-. --- .-- .. -. --. ` --- .-.. -.. `

It is very obvious that smile are disappearing among my peers. Age does brings wisdom and perhaps an understanding that does not arouse humour.
However, the pattern is obvious. When i find myself back to a certain memory state that involves certain people, my way of conduct will steer back time to the moments of the first years when we met. But it is not true if i try to control it by will. Things have seen drastic changes and i have been a bystander of all these scenes. Perhaps an audience standing among all the casts and crews. An introvet with no intention of participating in the world.

- .... .. ...` .. ... ` -- . `

I had a really cool experience today, perhaps it is a premonition to a scary evolution of mankind. Selfish and uncaring.
I was walking in the shopping mall to realise that actually i am dreaming a dream. No one knows me, and even if they did, they will not know that they actually have seen me if i just wake up from this dream.
In this mindset, it is very scary because i could jolly well had murdered someone and sentence myself to death but still thinking that it is a dream in the making. What am i thinking?
But, this feeling of being in the crowd but as the only conscious bystander is really strange... Just like being the only human to be able to tell lies when all that human can think of is the truth.

morphing.

I can fly to the moon if i were a moonfly.
Tell you, Tagalog is what i want to embark on but i think all these reflections sent a message otherwise.
Sleep.