Packing my room again..

Nostalgic... The 2005 Jiaxing is so different from who i am now... I can't imagine how creative i was... FLipping through 2 books of incomplete manga drawn by that Jiaxing... I was amazed... I drew this? My idea? So Romantica! And an essay written by Jiaxing 1 year ago i was truly in awe by his maturity of thought and such strong Idea! Totally defeated. And 2 portraits of "teenage magazine" models drawn by him... Haha!! I can beat him in that.. But the portrait was so.."Alive" and it is done with $2 crayon! How did he do that? I grief because tat creative Jiaxing is going to die in a famine. A famine tat lasted 1 year + .. I am so going to brush up my drawing again.

Being in army for almost 2 years by now... Such rusty Brain... Such Determination to meet my Goals no matter what... Such low IQ that cannot even match a donkey.. Such hardwork to lossen my stiff fingers... Me. Now. Strong for War. Plain in thought. Write a command and i will complete it with my life!

GOD!!! RELEASE ME FROM THE TIE OF ARMY!!!! I AM SICK!!! SO SICK! AHHHhhh!!!!! MY BRAIN IS WASHED BEYOND RECOGNITION!!! THE COLOUR IS NOT FADED BUT THE COLOUR IS GONE!!! WHITE WASHED BRAIN!!!

Hiaz... NExT WEEk I will BE slamming myself on the floor Real hard till i vomit blood! That is what ARMY call Close Combat trainning.. Thank God it is just for 2 weeks slamming and flipping each other. Haha!

Mentality: Never think of surviving... Insurance will be paid to your family... God is waiting in heaven... "To die is Gain"! But never to die purposely, that will be suicide. God will protect me so i know i won't die so easily.

No paradox but a weakness strengthened by Faith in my God!

... God i Love You and that is true! I can say it so freely cuz U Love me too! I can Shout! " I Love You JEsus!!!" I can tell everyone i love you!!!

Think again.. If you love someone and cannot tell... Agony within is Great!

ANYONE KNOWS? God does. Everytime i see *er, to yell within my heart is all i am restricted to.. 720++days i live through it the same. God tell me what to do, i will wait for you God. Answer me when you will. My heart hides the word.. "I love you!" OK i know i do love her and there is nothing anyone can do about it even i can't do anything about it... to forget i will commit it to God and throw away and destroy everything that reminds me of her... to do tat i will destroy myself first! I will never do that... haiz... ok ba just keep this as a beautiful memory. Tats all i can do. God you hear me.. Comfort me for your love alone surpass all i need.