Running

It is really hard to forget what i dream of.

We were in a platoon and of course i know everyone of them. I was assigned to pair with Frankie. The mission? I really do not know and i just feel that Frankie knows.

Then Captain Edward... or Edwin.. i can't remember his name... but he is a old man. Got a scar on his face, blue iris. He is crazy and started scolding the platoon and i have no idea what he is trying to say. I just know that he is not very happy. Sometimes when i meet him i will hear people call him sergeant? I thought he was captain??

Well then change scene, i was in the new pixel uniform with frankie. And we were at a very dense forest... but it was beautiful!! There were actually tracks to walk.. This is the 1st time i walk on this track so i followed frankie! It was really wet and muddy though.

Then we ended up in a shopping centre and i remembered that i forgot my lunch so i wanted to look around for something to eat... but most shops were closed.. Yes!!! I went around and it was a School! I saw Hua Zhi who is studying there. I don't know what school is that but as i climb up the stairs that looks like NAFA backdoor stair i ended up in a Concert hall! And there were many people around and they were recording a music. I wonder what they are playing... they were actually holding strange big things. Well i just made 3 careful steps and i was at the end of the hall. I thought my footstep was going to be in the recording.

At the end of the hall, i went down a flight of stairs again. Then I saw the Sign on the Board... Very big sign... "Singapore.. I.. management" Something like that... i keep looking at it cuz Hua zhi keep blocking my view. But i Thought i saw SIM but i am not sure. Anyway i heck care. Wait a minute... I always like to check with reality.. perhaps i should ask Hua zhi where he is studying, but i lost contact with him :(

Then when i went down, Frankie and i started running again. This time... no track.. Frankie was running through the thick forest with many humps and holes and We were actually going through a mud pool!! I care less.. i just follow... Wow.. still long way to go... i mean my dream. Don't ask me how i remember the details ok.. i really don't know why too, if only i can remember this well in real life.

Then as we were reaching a green patch of grass, we saw a tall building and tourists were surrounding it... We started climbing this narrow and steep and flat ground, it is like climbing a 70degree steep slope made of Dry sand. It is really high.. almost 5 storeys high. And we reached a end point where the tourist said that it is a dead end.. we waited very long and Frankie was resting at the corner of the wall. I followed. A guy went ahead and i heard Sawing sound then water dripping down.. We went ahead and realised that he had burst the water pipe and people were washing their hands!! Some were drinking! Then Yee Kei laughed and said to me "Hey Jiaxing why don't you go burst the Gas pipe too? Hahaha!"...
And don't ask me where Yee Kei come from.. She was part of the tourist group.

WE went ahead and i heard people shouting that the water is going no more so hurry up! It is a beautiful garden where the water flow to. Flowers and trees and just beautiful.. i really cannot describe. Then we went into a monastry.. It is really errie!! There were idols all around and the floor was Damn.. Disgusting!! I went around the house to see.. and at the back of the house was a store room... there were stone sculptures and Frankie pointed out a dead rat that was still twitching... But strange enough i was not disgusted. And many dead bodies all around!

Then they went ahead. I was checking something out but i don't know what, but then i ran after them... I lost Frankie! But i look around and saw a door that was going to close... it was closing... i ran and squeezed through it and my leg was about to be squashed by the door.. i tugged and pulled and i ran up the stair. Poom.. the door shut. Oh man.. it is another opening... we explore around, then the lights went off.. the show was going to start. We were suddenly in a movie theatre. And the lights were coming from the front.. shinning on the stage. I took the nearest seat and Frankie was pressing his smooth cheek against my.. i just pushed away. Right in front was an old man... i have a feeling we are all going to die.

I hate to say but i woke up.

The riddle for a pathetic guy

I...

I had a strange dream.
She slowly crept into my room and hid a treasure at the corner of my room.
I woke up and found that treasure chest lying right there but without a key.
I waited night after night that she will appear to hide the key.
But that night never happen.
There was a day when i woke up and found the chest empty.
I found her at the end of the stairs looking lost and sad.
She told me that her heart was given to the guy who knows how to open that chest.
I went home and stared at that empty box - once a treasure chest.
When i closed it i noticed a riddle carved at the back of the chest.
"I will open if you first open yourself to me."


Could it be worse?? Hahaha!! Lets make it worse.

I...

I had a strange dream.
She slowly crept into my room and hid a treasure at the corner of my room.
I woke up and found that treasure chest lying right there but without a key.
I waited night after night till the night i before i die.
I called lock breaking service and when they opened it they found a note.
"Happy Singles Day!"
Thats how i die.

Anyway.

As we grow older i guess we realise more things from making mistakes :)
I had made many but not yet enough, come hammer me! (still insane)

Imgaine the day when i was young and stubborn and i refuse to believe that being sad is a choice.
Being sad and quiet and insociable is a choice.
Thanks for the person who said that to me.. if you ever think i will forget about it...
no i remember every single word.

Some hypothesis

Well first my brother came out looking like me and now he is into time travelling just like i was. I really think he is my clone made by a friendly alien and he wants to take over the world! The only major difference is that he hates music. Emphasize "hate"!

Well then, thats enough to freak me out. And then he likes cycling and learnt it on his own out despite parents discouraging. This is bad. Perhaps the genes are really similar.

Well, nevertheless, then, even though... I realised a fact that the use of fanciful words are sometimes a way to cover the fact that i know very little but i am trying to say a lot from the little i know so that i seem to know alot. Well i hate that. If i know little i say little tats it.

And of course the 2 projects that i put on hold has resumed. The dream project is still on hold because personally i do not want to hold back my creativity. Some times.. all the time, dreams tell a wonderful story that i wake up and think to myself, "Whoo... I wish everyone can see what i just saw..."

Then the 2nd project of ambidexterity. Born with it? Or become a ambidexterous monster by mere daily activities?

I am a practical person who likes to test out hypothesis personally. Being really inferior compared to a real researcher who deals with brain activities mainly of the corpus or the motor and the critical thinking regions of the brain. However inferior, i guess i just want to find an answer to my question. :)

I am so glad i am a drummer which means whatever ambidexterous activity i practice is going to nail down my chops like "BaM!!" Nail down!

So here it goes as the project has been on hold for 1 year. I think the last post.. i can't remember... i was copying a few poems by unknown authors.. right on this blog.. i put a few pictures of my handwriting. And after which i do not know what's wrong, i did experience insomia where i see colours which can't make me fall asleep. And following that a period of depression which led me to where i am today. I can say. Could not be totally true.

When i started out with this programme again.. which is just writing, brusing, eating, drumming like a lefty, the effects seems to come back.

Depression led on by a series of insomnia. And i can say a few series of hyperactivity of the brain warining me that someone is trying to kill me. I would call Mania.

I think it is not easy to be me and i am slowly turning less sane still with an idea of a creator which i say is pathetic and i need to build that relationship before it breaks. Terrible of me.

Well, then i travelled back to a 5-6 years old me. And drew a few pictures of fishes and skating. I know that i have long forgotten how it would feel to want to grow up and not looking back and see how i wanted to stay there. Well, i am here now i would stay.

And perhaps a little hint of my deteriorating or deteriorating or detrioretating?? language skill which could be a lack of exposure or maybe a chemical change up there where i can't think without drifting like the "flashbacks" you get when you know you are going to die. Near death i think.

All these got nothing to do with my research. I think i need a plan. Thats what i said months ago. Anyway.. then this thing kicks in.. where i go RLRLRK RLK LRLRKK RLRLRR LRLRLL love it.

Ok, the good side of being what i thought i would not want to become but maybe i should stop it and yet i can't. Thats just what i think i need to do. So the good side is, finally i can really differentiate left from right very fast. Very fast! stuttering problems sometimes.. even when i teach... it just occured recently.. when i think too fast to speak.. and it is too frequent for me to express myself normally... so often that i think i didn't speak more that 100 sentences in a week. But well thank God i got hands to write.

That! is not depression!! That is not depression! Believe me. I am born to eliminate the need for voice. OH!!!! That why i see my little brother does not like to be in Choir!!! Just like me!!! Oh man.. some alien must have captured me to produce this freaky clone!!! Hahaha!

Well, the end of the day i don't know my time because my watch is always 25 minutes fast and i can't calculate fast enough to know the real time so i am actually quite lost in my time.

It is funny when someone ask me what time it is?? Then i stare at my watch seeing 12:23. Then i stare back at them like an idiot... and say... 12... 12... mm... 11.. *use some finger maths... Before i can tell them the answer... they look at my watch themselves and say Thank you. I didn't suppose they need to know the answer, but i hope they find out.

Better get going for skating with edna and weenie. Today is going to be hectic... I always amaze myself with many appointments up in my head without a schedule but then i can't remember names. LOL! I think that what primates are made to do.. know when to do what but they don't have names. Ever seen a monkey calling another monkey "Hey monkey!"... "You calling me? Monkey? Yes? Are you monkey?"... "pass me a banana!"... "here!" ... "Thanks!"... Want some cheese? Come on.. monkeys don't talk. Give me a break will you.

Ok. off you go man.. see you later.

This is really terrible!

Oh God! Oh my God!!! I feel utterly terrible!!

When someone you love so much don't miss you. God i understand.
It is really a nightmare God!

When i just finished skating... when i just do... when i just was going home.
A message from monster :" Do i have any qualities that boys will like me?"

What the heck!!! I Don't want to answer you please!! Please give me a break!
When someone you like does not like you but is seeking you when they are sad and then ignoring you when they are happy. I am really broken God! Just let her disapper please.
Ahh. I really don't like this feeling. Let me go sleep.

bad Memories, holidays

I think this is going to be a long post.

The writer in me is exploding to manifest but i must control it with my thoughts and feelings.
Basically it has been a long time since i post anything for further reference. And it is always true that when i re-read them they seem a little childish than who i am now. But then again... Feelings sometimes makes me illogical and can't think. These are the times that i need to realise and remedy in case i make the same mistakes.

Past 3 months are a heck of real tough times... and a heck of real emotional times... less of a heck of depressing monents... also less of high moments too.

Tough times struggling through the modules and passing my test.. Thank God i did pass. And will never forget my promise "to God be the glory". But i really do not dare to say it among my friends.. i think i am either shy or i am just not used to it. Just like i don't say Amen in classroom. Anyway tough time produce tough beef. LOL!

Emotional times are things old as well as new. Similar dejavu of what happened 2 years ago is happening.. but then from my experience.. there is only one way out... "move on". Ok.. in case i might forget if i read this as a 80 years old half blind and totally deaf man... i will not encode too much. And for anyone who read i hope it is entertaining :)

If i were a monster. I would be a nice monster. Anyway, i have started drinking ipoh white coffee in the morning.. and i really think i like it. Somedays they run out and there are other coffee available but i only look for Ipoh white coffee. What a coffee monster i am. I thought it was really having some effects in cheering up me up and making me more energetic. Even at night i would dream of drinking coffee. LOL! But then again... i am wrong again.

There are many people who drink the same coffee but got different effects.. some get more energetic, some get tired, some get hooked. I am really curious which category i fall under. I would often react with caution. But then the response i get is most often positive.

Then it comes a raining day and i dropped my cup of coffee. I starts to flow away and some of it stainned my white shirt. I try to clean it off but the smell and the colour is still there. I thought i can wash it off. Anyway, i am really hurt thats the point.

Now in my dream, i only dream of spilling this coffee and seeing it flow off with the rain water. I have tried to wash the stain but the stain inside my head will never fade off completely. I think i need a small impact to knock off that section of briancells. Even then, my heart says something else. I guess i fall under the category of being hooked.

Then come a day we go to a beach. A scene suddenly flashes back 5 years ago. She started telling me of the guy they love. Well it started to hurt then... but how would she know. I think i should not be there... I Should not be there. I have been there 5 years ago with the same thing happening. And i made a wrong decision. Yes i did. Anyway whatever i do.. the ending will never be as beautiful as what you want it to be. It is like the final conclusion of the film "butterfly effect". I chose to kept quiet then.

Anyway the hardest thing in this life is to cause things to happen. It is very very obvious even to a self pronounced Asperger's like me that she actually don't need me around. Well things get better at first when i decide to write my experience down as a form of outlet to a non emotional body. Then i realised that the poison has gone too deep and this often happens to me by God's grace that i do not get involved in physical dangers like playing with knives which i think i might kill myself. Anyway... the poison is now affecting me.

Well... as that other girl once said... bla bla bla bla and bla bla bla.. and things does get better. We do not have to worry to cause things to change.. but.. perhaps someone care more very high upstairs and wants something more beautiful to happen :) Well... Allswell