I am sick and tired of being a "christian"!
I am sick of going to cell and doing the church.
I am so sick of expecting something different to see nothing at all.
And the worse of all is the sickness of myself feeling so sick and disgusted at myself doing church and walking away getting nothing.
So bored of the sermon, so irritated of all that music, so hating myself for being in that place called Church. So sick of all the seriousness when no one seems to be on earth.. no one seems to understand.
No one wanna talk.. I care nothing much at all neither.
Finances, politics, world news, money money money, Love? Blaming, blaming, joking and blaming, it is not funny at all. Oo.
Ok What about me?
God, i am there dead like a rock... i don't talk and i don't want to talk.
I am rebelliously silent. I can't take all the "adult talk" as if i am one of the adult. I can't share any thoughts cuz i got none. I am not into jokes cuz they are not funny. I can't play cuz i am matured. I can't make any friends cuz i am not a friend. I can't get it. It is most true Jesus you are my only best friend, no doubt.
I am not complaining. I am not sad. I am just lonely God. I am just not accepted into the norm. I am so depressed always. Who will wanna come close to a heart that is always depressed? No one. But u.
I am down but i am not encouraged.. but i really feel really really lonely and afraid. I am down and when i see dissappointed looks for me.. i am worst. I don't want to play drums.. and i really feel threatened God..If i don't play, someone will be raised up to play. This sounds more threatening to me than encouraging.. and of course it will harden my rebellious heart NOT to PLAY.
And this will raise my pride.. cuz i said myself i don't want to play.. if i want to play again... it will look like i have lost the battle of rebellion. So i will never play. But in my heart.. I don't want to put your gift to waste as it eveporates from my hands. I don't know.. i am worse than terrible. But i don't want to be.
It is true i need encouragement.. i am down and i can't think rationally. And i am certain i won't be able to find any help from leaders or pastors or friends.. Who will wanna come near this depressed heart?
But you God. My best friend. I don't wanna go to church to do the church anymore. The hypocrite in me is long enough to disgust me. My spirit wants to be with you but my heart is rebelling. I know you are there.
Enough! I hate myself.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
My final exam.
Tomorrow is my final day of exam. I can't wait. But i know i have to do this.
I have no idea what can be tested and i don't really have resources to study.
So BEWARE. The followings will be my ranting .. on and on.. of the experiences through this course.
READ ON AT YOUR OWN RISK.
here it goes.
My lecturer Mr Erwin Viray.
Lecture1,
What is Design? What is a Designer?
We discusses that everyone can be a designer. And there we are, comparing the clothing of a lady and a gentleman, Hafiz, in front of the lecture hall. haha. That was new to me.
Anyway, there is this Essay. "What is design?" by Victor Papanek.
He discussed the same topic of design but more detailed.
" All men are designers. All that we do.. design is the basic to all human being."
Now he carries on to discuss about Form vs Function where Frank Lloyd Wright stated that "form and functions are one" He agrees. And then classifies Function into 6 different aspects.. 1.method 2.use 3.telesis 4.need 5.aesthetic 6.association
The rest of the essay explains on these aspects.
Then comes the next essay.
Delirious New York, by Rem Koolhaas
Rem Koolhaas is a Dutch architect. In this essay by him, he is into the Paranoid Critical Method (PCM). He simply say it is "The conquest of the irrational".
However to Dali Salvador who first derived this PCM thing.. he says.. it is the spontaneous method of irrational knowledge based on the critical and systematic objectifications of delirious associations and interpretations..."
Carrying on in the essay, Kunsthal is introduced as an example of PCM.
Kunsthal is a museum designed by Rotterdam firm of Rem Koolhaas. Here is a part i won't understand without seeing it. There is a very detailed description of Kunsthal.
That eventually says that one can actualay imagine a spiral in 4 separate squares! Intriguing indeed. I hope i can do something like that... one can actually faint and vomit from the illusions by walking on a straight pathway back to the door of his house... Woo! Inevitably PCM at work here! Hahaha!
Ok now to Lecture 2.
Ok There is this email spam to my mail box.
It contains the information that constitute this talk.
A quote by Le Corbusier " Architecture if the masterly, correct and magnificent play of masses brought together in light. Our eyes are made to see forms in light.(sometimes i feel this is a little too obvious) light and shade reveal these forms.. cubes cones cylinder bla bla.. are the greatest primary form which light reveal to advantage.." To me.. Architecture consist of many forms.. which i can see when light falls into my eyes.. and then these forms are just what i need to play around with lego blocks.
This is interesting.. now.. Joseph Beuys.. He sculpts i guess. He is rather genius to me.
"My objects are to be seen as stimulants for the transformations of the idea of sculpture, or of art in general. They should provoke thoughts about what sculpture can be and how the concept of sculpting can be extended to the invisible materials used by everyone."
His sculpture ... scarily..
"That is why the nature of my sculpture is not fixed and finished. Processes continue in most of them: chemical reactions, Fermentations, color changes, decay, drying up. Everything is in a state of change."
I can't imagine going into the museum to experience the stench and see maggots crawling in one of Joseph Beuy's sculpture... i guess he don't mean this. I like his idea though. Reminds me of one of my paintings.. which i sent off without it drying up.. how i wish to see its state now... surely no maggots are on it.
Now lecture 3 put no impression on me.
However i would like to say of this famous Herzog De Meuron architecture firm.
Herzog de Meurom is a firm by Jacques Herzog and Pierre de Meuron. Now i recall falling asleep in this film on The "Tate Modern" museum in London. The giant Spider in the museum crawl its way into my dreams.. and i woke up with a little jerk. haha.
Anyway.. i know either Herzog of De Meuron or both of them said something about erecting the museum as if it is something that pops out of the earth.. they mix the stone gathered at that area into int concrete mix and "decorated" its facade with these stones and rocks. I would like to plant creepy crawliey plants on my own private house.. Just imagine SWAMP THING. Wahahah! Maybe a little nicer.
Lecture 4..
Another quote by Le Corbusier :" And suddenly you touched my heart and do me good. I am happay and i say, " This is beautiful". That is architecture. Art enters in.
Then the next person.. You guessed it Haha! Joseph Beuys.
Hey hey i like his idea here!
Joseph Beuys says that :" My main concern is for the transformation of substance, rather than the traditional aesthetics understanding of beautiful appearences. If creativity relates to the transformation, change and development of substances then it can be applied to everything in the world and is no longer restricted to art."
What is a substance to him? For me i will interprete it as the black thing that people call the venom. You sure have seen it consume spiderman and give him such power and irritation. No wonder it is a concern for Joseph Beuys. If the "substance" could make us more creative, so why not develop it in a factory and apply it to everyone, everything in the world. So.. now we have to sent out a mass search for "the substance". Haha.. i sure like Jacob Beuys.
Now there is this quote by lao Tzu
"way making being empty, you make use of it, but do not fill it up."
Oom... Emptiness.. rings in my head.. like Oomm... because it spells "C-O-C-O-N-U-T"
Ooom... Make use of me.. but just don't fill me up. Hahaha! I am so going to jail for being a coconut head. Pls no offence.. i am a real coconut head.. but i still respect all other teachings.
Ok.. Then this Japanese Designer i like too.
Kenya Hara!
He is the art director for Muji. And he is a communication designer. He writes a whole essay on "What is Design?" But before that.. i have to go through the 53 minutes of hypnotising by Kenya Hara cuz i don't understand a thing. But I think i got the whole gist of the hypnotising method- "EMPTINESS.. emptiness.."
In F*c*, his accent is so strong i keep getting the wrong meaning. I recall this... "With the wind, they fly over the mountain forest, and the small villages, and yet they are also deep within the sea... and the Ass as well."
I tot i heard wrongly.. but i still can't figure out what is the replacement word for Ass.
Here is the youtube. Around 5:28, help me hear what is the word pls.
Man, enough for lectures.. i like this part of the film called
The way things go.
By Peter Fischli
So cool lor. I also wanna try something like that. Seems like i am easily influenced. Yes i am.
Ok then another film By... who?
I forgot who is the camera man.. he is interesting. But he shoots on Yoji Yamamoto.
Yoji Yamamoto is a fashion designer based in tokyo.
I have no idea what can be tested and i don't really have resources to study.
So BEWARE. The followings will be my ranting .. on and on.. of the experiences through this course.
READ ON AT YOUR OWN RISK.
here it goes.
My lecturer Mr Erwin Viray.
Lecture1,
What is Design? What is a Designer?
We discusses that everyone can be a designer. And there we are, comparing the clothing of a lady and a gentleman, Hafiz, in front of the lecture hall. haha. That was new to me.
Anyway, there is this Essay. "What is design?" by Victor Papanek.
He discussed the same topic of design but more detailed.
" All men are designers. All that we do.. design is the basic to all human being."
Now he carries on to discuss about Form vs Function where Frank Lloyd Wright stated that "form and functions are one" He agrees. And then classifies Function into 6 different aspects.. 1.method 2.use 3.telesis 4.need 5.aesthetic 6.association
The rest of the essay explains on these aspects.
Then comes the next essay.
Delirious New York, by Rem Koolhaas
Rem Koolhaas is a Dutch architect. In this essay by him, he is into the Paranoid Critical Method (PCM). He simply say it is "The conquest of the irrational".
However to Dali Salvador who first derived this PCM thing.. he says.. it is the spontaneous method of irrational knowledge based on the critical and systematic objectifications of delirious associations and interpretations..."
Carrying on in the essay, Kunsthal is introduced as an example of PCM.
Kunsthal is a museum designed by Rotterdam firm of Rem Koolhaas. Here is a part i won't understand without seeing it. There is a very detailed description of Kunsthal.
That eventually says that one can actualay imagine a spiral in 4 separate squares! Intriguing indeed. I hope i can do something like that... one can actually faint and vomit from the illusions by walking on a straight pathway back to the door of his house... Woo! Inevitably PCM at work here! Hahaha!
Ok now to Lecture 2.
Ok There is this email spam to my mail box.
It contains the information that constitute this talk.
A quote by Le Corbusier " Architecture if the masterly, correct and magnificent play of masses brought together in light. Our eyes are made to see forms in light.(sometimes i feel this is a little too obvious) light and shade reveal these forms.. cubes cones cylinder bla bla.. are the greatest primary form which light reveal to advantage.." To me.. Architecture consist of many forms.. which i can see when light falls into my eyes.. and then these forms are just what i need to play around with lego blocks.
This is interesting.. now.. Joseph Beuys.. He sculpts i guess. He is rather genius to me.
"My objects are to be seen as stimulants for the transformations of the idea of sculpture, or of art in general. They should provoke thoughts about what sculpture can be and how the concept of sculpting can be extended to the invisible materials used by everyone."
His sculpture ... scarily..
"That is why the nature of my sculpture is not fixed and finished. Processes continue in most of them: chemical reactions, Fermentations, color changes, decay, drying up. Everything is in a state of change."
I can't imagine going into the museum to experience the stench and see maggots crawling in one of Joseph Beuy's sculpture... i guess he don't mean this. I like his idea though. Reminds me of one of my paintings.. which i sent off without it drying up.. how i wish to see its state now... surely no maggots are on it.
Now lecture 3 put no impression on me.
However i would like to say of this famous Herzog De Meuron architecture firm.
Herzog de Meurom is a firm by Jacques Herzog and Pierre de Meuron. Now i recall falling asleep in this film on The "Tate Modern" museum in London. The giant Spider in the museum crawl its way into my dreams.. and i woke up with a little jerk. haha.
Anyway.. i know either Herzog of De Meuron or both of them said something about erecting the museum as if it is something that pops out of the earth.. they mix the stone gathered at that area into int concrete mix and "decorated" its facade with these stones and rocks. I would like to plant creepy crawliey plants on my own private house.. Just imagine SWAMP THING. Wahahah! Maybe a little nicer.
Lecture 4..
Another quote by Le Corbusier :" And suddenly you touched my heart and do me good. I am happay and i say, " This is beautiful". That is architecture. Art enters in.
Then the next person.. You guessed it Haha! Joseph Beuys.
Hey hey i like his idea here!
Joseph Beuys says that :" My main concern is for the transformation of substance, rather than the traditional aesthetics understanding of beautiful appearences. If creativity relates to the transformation, change and development of substances then it can be applied to everything in the world and is no longer restricted to art."
What is a substance to him? For me i will interprete it as the black thing that people call the venom. You sure have seen it consume spiderman and give him such power and irritation. No wonder it is a concern for Joseph Beuys. If the "substance" could make us more creative, so why not develop it in a factory and apply it to everyone, everything in the world. So.. now we have to sent out a mass search for "the substance". Haha.. i sure like Jacob Beuys.
Now there is this quote by lao Tzu
"way making being empty, you make use of it, but do not fill it up."
Oom... Emptiness.. rings in my head.. like Oomm... because it spells "C-O-C-O-N-U-T"
Ooom... Make use of me.. but just don't fill me up. Hahaha! I am so going to jail for being a coconut head. Pls no offence.. i am a real coconut head.. but i still respect all other teachings.
Ok.. Then this Japanese Designer i like too.
Kenya Hara!
He is the art director for Muji. And he is a communication designer. He writes a whole essay on "What is Design?" But before that.. i have to go through the 53 minutes of hypnotising by Kenya Hara cuz i don't understand a thing. But I think i got the whole gist of the hypnotising method- "EMPTINESS.. emptiness.."
In F*c*, his accent is so strong i keep getting the wrong meaning. I recall this... "With the wind, they fly over the mountain forest, and the small villages, and yet they are also deep within the sea... and the Ass as well."
I tot i heard wrongly.. but i still can't figure out what is the replacement word for Ass.
Here is the youtube. Around 5:28, help me hear what is the word pls.
Man, enough for lectures.. i like this part of the film called
The way things go.
By Peter Fischli
So cool lor. I also wanna try something like that. Seems like i am easily influenced. Yes i am.
Ok then another film By... who?
I forgot who is the camera man.. he is interesting. But he shoots on Yoji Yamamoto.
Yoji Yamamoto is a fashion designer based in tokyo.
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